Scoop Satire: Foreign Affairs, Sport and PoliticsBy Lyndon Hood
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They don't make foreign affairs like they used to.
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One Fine Day in the Newsroom
With apologies to Abbot and Costello. No, not the Australian Liberal MPs, the comical duo. The comical duo that aren't members of the Australian Government.
First Editor: So what about international news?
Second Editor: Well, at APEC Helen Clark met the President of China.
ED1: Really? What's his name?
ED2: Hu.
ED1: The Chinese President.
ED2: Hu.
ED1: The President of China.
ED2: Hu.
ED1: The guy who met Helen Clark.
ED2: Hu. Hu is the Chinese President.
ED1: I don't know. I'm asking you.
ED2: What?
ED1: Do you know the name of the Chinese President?
ED2: Yes, I do.
ED1: So who is the Chinese President?
ED2: That's right.
ED1: What's right?
ED2: Hu is the President of China.
ED1: That's my question. What is the name of the Chinese President?
ED2: Hu.
ED1: The Chinese President.
ED2: Hu.
ED1: The President of China.
ED2: Hu. That's his name.
ED1: That's who's name?
ED2: Yes.
ED1: The guy in China, the General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party and Chairman of the Chinese Central Military
Commission is - who?
ED2: Exactly!
ED1: Well?
ED2: Hu is the name of the Chinese President.
ED1: No, 'What is the name of the Chinese President?'.
ED2: Are you saying Wat is the name of the Chinese President?
ED1: Yes.
ED2: Wat isn't the name of the Chinese President.
ED1: Don't get philosophical with me, I want you to tell me the name of the President of China!
ED2: I told you, Hu is the President of China.
ED1: You told me?
ED2: Yes.
ED1: When?
ED2: No, Wen is the Premier.
ED1: When is the Premier... ?
ED2: Wen is the Premier of China.
ED1: When is the Premier of China... ?
ED2: And Hu is the President.
ED1: I'm asking you.
ED2: And I'm telling you, Hu.
ED1: Whatever. So what is the name of the Premier?
ED2: Wen.
ED1: Now!
ED2: Wen.
ED1: The current one. I want you to tell me his name.
ED2: Wen.
ED1: Now!
ED2: I'll tell you his name: Wen.
ED1: I'm starting to wonder. While we wait you can tell me the name of the President.
ED2: I told you Hu is the President.
ED1: When?
ED2: No, Wen is the Premier.
ED1: When is the Premier... ?
ED2: Wen is the Premier of China.
ED1: When is the Premier of China... ?
ED2: Wen is the Premier of China the country!
ED1: When is the Premier of China the country what?
ED2: There is no Wat. There's just Hu and Wen.
ED1: Not much of a story. So who is the Premier?
ED2: No, Hu is the President.
ED1: If you insist. Who is the President?
ED2: Yes. Hu.
ED1: The President of China!
ED2: Hu.
ED1: The guy who met Helen Clark!
ED2: Hu.
ED1: The Chinese President!
... continued ad lib
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Subeditors Kick Rugby Scandal For Touch
There's growing excitement in the subediting benches. A rugby-related scandal during the World Cup and unlikely to hear
its final whistle any time soon, promises a record run of punning headlines and captions.
Corrections Minister Damien O'Connor is widely agreed to have taken his eye off the ball and perhaps also dropped it, by
going on a Parliamentary rugby tour with a Corrections manager who is currently suspended and under investigation,
possibly for screwing the scrum.
During a media scrum yesterday Prime Minister Helen Clark agreed that Mr O'Connor was out of bounds. She considered a
penalty appropriate but declined to send him off immediately. She also accused National Leader John Key of playing the
man not the ball.
Deputy Prime Minister Michael Cullen was subbed on for both the Prime Minister and Mr O'Connor as the opposition tackled
the issue during today's question time.
O'Connor is widely expected to end up out of the front row and possibly on the bench following Helen Clark's next
reselection.
But so far O'Connor has not been shown a red card despite his most recent own goal, leading to increased speculation
that Labour will be relegated in 2008.
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Meanwhile, in France...
...two poorly-spoken frenchmen discuss the lack of New Zealand political leaders in France for the World Cup.
First Frenchman: Mon Dieu! Les All Black jouer contre du Monde, mais la Prime Ministrice de la Nouvelle-Zélande, Helen Clark, n'est pas
en France. Aussi, le leader du Opposition néo-zélandaise n'est pas ici.
Second Frenchman: Zut Alors! Et qu'est-ce qu'il s'appelle?
FR1: Key.
FR2: La leader du Opposition en Nouvelle-Zélande. Saivez-vous son nom?
FR1: Oui. Key.
FR2: L'homme néo-zélandais.
FR1: C'est Key.
FR2: Je ne sais pas. C'est le raison que j'y ai demandé. Qui est la leader du Opposition néo-zélandaise?
FR1: Exactement.
FR2: Le nom du leader du Opposition néo-zélandaise, c'est quoi?
FR1: Key.
FR2: L'homme néo-zélandais. Monsieur 'toutes les choses à toutes les personnes'.
FR1: Key.
... et cetera
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