Today's Caitlin Johnstone essay has been replaced by an op-ed by Snooty McCentrist of the National News Conglomerate.
Oh my God, stop this. Just stop. I've had it up to here with you insolent peasants and your would-be revolution. Stop
this nonsense immediately before something happens that we both regret.
My fellow commentariat and I have been patiently richsplaining over and over to you ungrateful street urchins that basic
social programs are bad and limitless military expansionism is good, and the only reason you think otherwise is because
of Kremlin propaganda. You don't want Bernie Sanders and a working healthcare system; that's just what Vladimir Putin
wants you to think. You want the same thing every American wants: a robust national security state.
Do you Bernie Bros want to give Putin what he wants? Do you? Do you love Putin or something? You know who else loved
My friends and I were just talking about this down at the club, and we all agreed that you unwashed riff raff have been
getting completely out of hand all around the world. Did you know the demonstrations outside the Julian Assange
extradition trial yesterday were so loud
that the people in the courtroom had trouble hearing the proceedings? We're trying to extradite an unruly leak
publisher to the Eastern District of Virginia, and you uppity commoners made it almost impossible to maintain our
We've had an established system that's been working fine for generations thank you very much, and we don't need the
rabble grabbing at the steering wheel with their chicken-greased fingers. We've got it all sorted out: we get to run
things and tell you how to think, and you get to turn the gears for most of your waking life. In your free time you get
to do the things you plebeians enjoy: rolling around in the dirt, watching monster truck wrestling, eating fast food at
McDenny's, and wearing tea-shirts. Everyone wins.
But that's not good enough for you greedy peons, is it? No, you want free education, because, what? You can't just
swallow your pride and go to Yale? You want free healthcare because Mummy and Daddy's plan isn't good enough for you?
For Pete's sake, just dip into the trust fund if you're short of cash.
The youth of today are especially entitled. They want everything handed to them on a silver platter, instead of putting
everything on silver platters themselves like normal grown adults. If you're having trouble paying for your Mercedes or
your poodle's psychiatrist, you've got to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and sell off your yacht like the rest of
I was assigned to Daddy’s company’s board of directors when I was barely out of grad school. I had to attend so many
meetings--sometimes three a year! But you have to put in the hard yards if you want to be a success like me.
You can't have everything, Bernie Bros. Just because a clear majority of you in every constituency in every state all
over the nation in all the polls and all the elections in huge numbers have been demanding to have certain things, that
doesn't mean you get to have them. This is a democracy, remember?
The reality is, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for our share portfolios.
Do you want four more years of Trump, Bernie Bros? Because nominating Sanders is how you get four more years of Trump;
my friends at the club and I are going to do everything we can to make sure of it. Believe me, it will hurt us a lot
more than it hurts you, because that man tweets some very impolite things about us sometimes.
So just do the right thing, forget about your little revolution, and nominate a safe, moderate progressive like Michael
Bloomberg or Ted Cruz. Then we can get back to ruling the world, and you can get back to your Netflix televisions and
your doughnut pizzas. Everyone's happy, and we don't have to get authoritarian on your insolent asses. Get it? Got it?
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