1. WORD FROM THE PREZ
2.. MPS WARNED TO AVOID HELL
3. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT
4. FRENCH JOKE OF THE WEEK
5. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

1. WORD FROM THE PREZ

Last issue we took a sneak peek into the disturbed mind of Keith Locke Parliament's token communist. We received quite a lot of feedback on this article and I have to tell you that it was NOT a joke - Keith really did write that article and it was published in the Listener. This week I thought I would have a crack at the same moot - What Would Happen if the US Ceased to Exist?

If the US simply closed up shop the only superpower would disappear leaving a massive power vacuum and the results would make the bushfires and wars since the end of the Cold War look like a church picnic.

Israel would cease to exist, without US aid and military support her neighbours would not hesitate to attack and with overwhelming numbers and the possible use of chemical and biological weapons Israel would disappear. Without the support of the US the UN protestations would fall on deaf ears and in her death throes Israel strikes out with a small number of nuclear weapons, the first use since the end of Second World War.

The same fate would await Taiwan, without the reassuring presence of US warships China would take the opportunity to flex her muscle as she attempts to establish herself as the next superpower. A new Cold War is quickly developing in the Indian Ocean and throughout Asia. Pakistan fearing India is increasingly allying itself with China and India with China stumping her ambitions to dominate the Indian Ocean and a crescent of Islamic states surrounding her is increasing production of nuclear weapons, Kashmir is seen by a helpless world as the next likely trigger for a nuclear war.

China has also backed the takeover of South Korea, the peninsula is now completely under Chinese control with a puppet Korean government in control. The invasion was preceded by the use of nuclear weapons to blow holes in the South Korean lines and chemical weapons attacks on rear staging areas. Japan has changed her constitution and is re-arming as quickly as she can with the threat from China and the newly re-unified Korean peninsula. She has also provided refuge to South Korean refugees and a "free" Korea government in exile is based in Japan.

Russia is still struggling in poverty and is selling arms to anyone who will buy them, meanwhile desperately trying to fortify her Chinese border, worried that her neighbour will sweep into Siberia to increase her resource base.

Europe continues to pretend that collectively it is the only superpower but with trade routes dominated by China or Middle East Islamic nations more resources are having to be put into agriculture and other primary industries. Standards of living are plummeting.

The UN is ineffective and virtually ignored by all states. The European states, particularly France and Germany continue to grandstand and call for international co-operation. China doesn't even bother with its veto.

New Zealand is isolated, although being geographically close to Australia provides some comfort. Overseas trade has halved with 'piracy' rife on the international trade routes and an inability to get grain through to Europe. Britain still trades with Australia, the Royal Navy escorting grain ships to the island nation. The standard of living has almost halved in New Zealand and has fallen in Australia although with agriculture still being a primary resource no-one is starving.

Once again the world holds its breath.

-Grant Tyrrell

2. MPs WARNED TO AVOID HELL

Letter to all New Zealand MPs regarding the Prostitution Reform Bill, from Catholic Action Group:

Prostitution is a vice - lust - consisting of an inordinate love of sexual pleasure. Lust is the opposite of the virtue of purity which channels the sexual passion to within marriage - a lifelong bond between one man and one woman for the procreation of children. It follows that prostitution, in being a vice that destroys marriage, is bad for society.

Prostitution always involves at least one of the following mortal sins:

a. Fornication
b. Adultery
c. Contraception
d. Abortifacient use ('the pill' kills unborn children)
e. Abortion
f. Homosexual acts

Any endorsement or recognition of 'rights' for prostitutes is contrary to reason; contrary to the law of nature; and especially contrary to the Law of God which is promulgated by the Catholic Church.

Any person who dies in the state of mortal sin is cast into Hell to suffer punishment for all eternity.

Any MP who votes for the 'Prostitution Reform Bill' is on the road to Hell for all eternity.

REJECT this evil legislation

DO NOT vote for the proposed Bill

(Note – the letter did not work, and the Bill passed it’s second reading - ed.)

3. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT

By New Zealand’s finest investigative journalist, Sneaky R Wilson.

*Guess which MP uttered this disturbing quote to a student magazine recently:

“To be completely naked in public is quite empowering. We wear masks and have our bodies painted and dance up Queen Street.”

Was it Helen Clark? Gerry Brownlee? Peter Dunne, perhaps? No, in fact it was Green MP Meteira Turei. What a disturbing mental image.

*And in other NZ First news – I understand Winston Peters also has a new girlfriend, but one a bit closer to his age.

*When writing Hot Goss there are times when I have to explain comments by MPs, or expose what they say in private, or rely on second-hand sources. There are times though when no explanation is required, and I can just re-print their exact words for your entertainment.

One such occasion occurred last week when Parliament debated the Prostitution Bill, which many MPs took as a chance to tell the world about their own personal sexuality. Here are some of the highlights:

-United Future MP Paul Adams:

“I love sex.”

"I know that sex is wonderful. It’s one of my favourite pastimes.

“But I have learned that a man loves sex but my wife enjoys love-making, and there is a vast difference.”

-National MP Maurice Williamson:

“I am a fornicator.”

"We are not all as handsome as [New Zealand First MP and merchant naval officer] Peter Brown. We can't all visit the ports of the world and get it free.

"Some of us poor bastards that look like I do have to pay when we are around the world. I haven't, but I'm sure one day that will happen.

“And where is the victim?"

-National MP John Key:

“If this Bill becomes law, I will not be skipping home to my lovely wife and telling her: ‘Just before I came home tonight I popped into the local brothel, because it is legal now, Honey.’ She will have a message for me, and it will not be a very nice one.

“I live my life by the morality and values I set for myself, not by those this Parliament sets, and I believe that is the way others should live also.

“I am not a terribly religious person, but I found it pretty hard to take when of the 220 letters and 123 emails I had, those who opposed the legislation came largely from the Church. I simply look at the history of the Church and the reasons behind the massive financial settlements for crimes that have taken place, and it looks a bit hypocritical to me.”

-Labour MP John Tamihere:

"I appreciate [others have] never been to any of these joints, but what I wanted to say is I have been.

"I just acknowledge that in terms of my growing up, in terms of the communities I mixed in, these things have occurred. And I've inhaled."

*Earlier this year I reported that the Progressive Coalition were investigating legal options for merging with the Labour Party. The main obstacle though appears to be the party-hopping legislation. The self-righteous Mr Anderton is still fuming over the hail of scorn he earned last year by quitting the Alliance, and is not in a hurry to make a mockery of his own legislation again.

But the first sneaky change was attempted this week when a dodgy voting deal was exposed and shot down by United Future. The Progressives wanted to give their proxy vote to Labour, so that Labour could cast votes on their behalf even when neither MP is actually in Parliament. Matt Robson is furious – now he actually has to turn up to Parliament, and think for himself!

*Even more bizarre this week was a claim from Robson that an opposition MP had quietly approached him, asking for information about joining the Progressives. Ha! Nice try, loser.

*Did you know that Parliament has it’s own megaphone that protesting groups are allowed to use free of charge? That’s right, whenever there is a protest the security guards hand over the megaphone, the groups scream and rant at Parliament, before politely handing it back. Imagine that happening in Iraq!

*I’ve found out about a rather amusing, but dangerous prank played recently by an MP. Apparently this MP was loudly scolded by his secretary for leaving his office window open overnight, who told him that “anyone could get in.” To no avail, he pointed out that his office is actually on the third floor.

To teach the bossy secretary a lesson, the next day the MP climbed out onto the third floor ledge and scaled the side of Parliament, to the amazement of onlookers. He creeped up outside his secretary’s window and loudly banged on it, giving the poor woman the fright of her life.

*Pssst…do you want to know KFC’s secret recipe? Check out this website, which supposedly has the 11 secret herbs and spices. I’ve tried it, and its not too far off.

http://www.recipegal.com/other/genuineKFCsecretrecipe.htm

*TV3’s political editor Jane Young is enjoying her last week at Parliament, having a final fling at Bill English and National. Her farewell drinks were held at the Beehive banquet hall, where MPs got stuck into the free food and booze. A sad sight was Donna Awatere-Huata telling everybody who would listen (including a well-known millionaire) that her daughter / brand new secretary was refusing to take her calls.

*And speaking of Jane Young, guess which MP has a crush on her, and has been sending her flowers?!

*Finally…many people have been saying to me: “Sneaky R Wilson, you are New Zealand’s finest investigative journalist. Are you going to tell us the REAL story on the National Party leadership?”

My answer? Nope! What leadership issue? Nothing to see here, folks!

Till next week…My lips are sealed!

-Sneaky R Wilson

4. FRENCH JOKE OF THE WEEK

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

”Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

”It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have, been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

”Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French."

5. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

How cool is this game! Especially level 2, where you shoot hippies and stoners!

http://pis.zulu.dk/pis05.swf

Thanks for that one Emily.

This next game will give you an appreciation of what it’s like to be a man, if you are not one already. It is a simulation of urinating in a toilet after a few glasses of lager. Hours of fun!

http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2003-02-24/j20.swf

And finally a laugh at the expense of the French:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html

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Editor: Grant Tyrrell

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