Overheard at the Alt Oval Office - By Bill Grigsby

Trump: All right Team, whadda we got today?

Spicer: Well sir, I have a press briefing in five minutes.

Trump: With the fake news media?

Spicer: Yes sir.

Bannon: The opposition party. That’s the operative phraseology. They were wrong. Dead wrong. A humiliating defeat that they will never wash away, that will always be there.

Trump: Are you still dredging up the popular vote scandal? Because I won that—five million fraudulent voters, every one of them voting for Crooked Hillary. So big. The biggest fraud ever.

Conway: No sir. Bloodbath averted, you won. The American people spoke loud and clear. That ‘humiliating defeat’ line was Bannon’s fake news media eye poke of the day.

Trump: God I love this job! I want a list of everyone who voted against me. Spicer, get Pence on that right away. You know Bannon, I never realized what a bitter son of a bitch you are.

Bannon: You think Breitbart wasn’t my first choice?? Why don’t we launch an investigation into voter fraud?

Trump: Great idea. Solution in search of a problem. Let’s outsource it to the American Petroleum Institute. There’s some beautiful brains there doing terrific research. We can use the, um, ‘results,’ to disenfranchise traitorous Americans who don’t care about making this country great by voting for me, so K.A. keep tossing out that ‘eight years’ line. Until we can do something about the 22nd amendment. Banno, Spiceman, we need a conspiracy theory.

Bannon: 22nd amendment? Presidential term limits? Never happened. They went straight from amendment 21 to 23.

Trump: Yes. Go on.

Spicer: It was fake news. FDR backlash.

Bannon: Their heart was in the right place.

Conway: Seriously?

Trump: Complete fabrication.

Bannon: We’ll blame it on the Times.

Spicer: Sir, if I may, back to voter fraud, if you do launch an investigation, the fake news media are going to ask me about the legitimate voters who were denied their franchise. What should I say?

Trump: Franchise? What franchise? One of my casinos? Are my heirs selling franchising rights??

Conway: No sir, it refers to the right to vote.

Trump: You mean voter fraud (tries to laugh but chokes)? Sanctity and all that precious right bullshit? You know, all that talk about blind trusts, that’s just campaign talk.

Spicer: Campaign talk. I like that. Can I use that line when they ask why Mexico’s not paying for the fence?

Bannon: Not fence. Wall.

Spicer: But you said . . .

Trump: Which wall? The one that will protect my golf course in Ireland from global warming?

Bannon: If you say things like that in private, they’ll come out in public . . .

Conway: No problem, leave that clean-up for me. Bannon means the wall on our southern border. Your post-electile ego wet dream. We’ll still call it a wall. It’s alternative phrasing. The American people have spoken, and that means we can call fences walls, we can pretend there’s such a thing as a ‘border tax,’ and we can call the press …

Bannon: The opposition party. Elite media scum.

Spicer: Steve, weren’t you part of the media? Speakin’ of, gotta go do the press …

Bannon: . . . fake media!

Spicer: . . . . briefing. DPB.

Trump: Daily Press Briefing?

Spicer: No, sir. Dodge, Prevaricate, and Bully. Ciao komrades.

Bannon (cupping hands, yelling down the hall): FYI Spice, I wasn’t elite media!

Conway: Then how’d you get to the White House?

Bannon: Excuse me? You mean how did I get you to the White House?

Trump: Stop quibbling. I hate quibbling (violent cancellation hand gestures). I want that list of people who voted against me, and see that the playmate gets audited.

Conway: Sir, we’re not with the IRS.

Trump: IRS? Where?? Call Security!

Conway: It’s okay sir, I told the fake news organizations that the American people don’t care about your tax returns anymore. And as for this playmate affair, I spoke with Melania and—

Trump: Locker room talk, KellyAnne. You of all people should know that. Those crazy conspiracy nutjobs. And the Enquirerkept that fake story out of the fake news cycle—offer them an exclusive. Did you see their headlines before the election?? Priceless.

Bannon: The Enquirer would be a good one to announce plans to investigate the millions of missing Americans who attended the inauguration but vanished in the photos.

Conway: Gone!

Trump: Terrific. Let’s also investigate those who didn’t attend. So sad. Once again the fake news media trying to sink my ratings. That mall was packed it was so packed, it made the America Haters' march look like outtakes from Day after Tomorrow. Do they get any federal funding we can withhold?

Bannon: I'll book an alt location for the 2021 inauguration.

Trump: Mar-a-Lago.

Bannon: Done.

Trump: Bingo. So anyway, then I thought maybe Cruz was involved. His father, you know (knowing nods all around). California didn’t show up. We’ll punish them later. Obama and Crooked Hillary have alibis. What about … Muslims?

Conway: Let’s see, no evidence, untrue … vetting accomplished. We could float that through the usual channels.

Bannon: Yes, the sweaty palms of the fake news media. How about Mexicans? There’s no evidence they were involved either.

Trump: That was all campaign talk, though. Let’s take somebody down today. What about . . . John Lewis?

Bannon: That will play well to our Alt Right base.

Trump: Yeah. But it wasn’t Lewis. He’s all talk, talk, talk. Audit the hell out of him. Alt Right (snorts). That was a classic, Banno.

Bannon: I don’t think anyone at the Times voted for you. Should we audit them?

Trump: Not yet. Carson could hold housing aid as hostage. I like your idea of collective punishment, Banno. But for now … investigation. Maybe there’s some connection between the missing people at the inauguration and the fraudulent voters.

Conway: I can work that into my next talk show appearance. Anyway, there must be some reason the endangered white male is vanishing. The white male . . . is the new Natalee Holloway.

Bannon: Not bad for a girl, Conway. Why don't you scream that into Judge Jeanine's ear.

Trump: Terrific. Now I need three lists: Lyin’ Hillary voters, fraudulent Hillary voters, and the people who disappeared during the inauguration. Oh, and one more—a list of every regulation. We’re going to totally eliminate regulations. Totally (wax on-wax off wild gesturing).

Bannon: Good. We can call it regulation freedom.

Trump: Too many syllables. MAGA—Make America Great Again. It’s the new WMD. Oh, and I froze government hiring today.

Conway: But . . .

Trump: Not for us. The American people want us to free them from the shackles of government.

Bannon: Solution in search of a problem. We reduce the clout of public employee unions, cut the liberals’ campaign funding, call it ‘choice’ and ‘personal freedom’ and turn bloated and inefficient public assets over to private profit centers. Let industry run the government for a while.

Conway: But . . . they already do (Conway and Bannon burst out laughing; Trump clears throat).

Trump: Now find those invisible supporters. Then you’ll see, my ratings will go through the roof. Yes, sometimes I get so caught up in the White House and these talking points for losers, I forget it’s about the winners, the American people . . . me. I feel a tweet coming on. Let's see, Berkeley got californicated yesterday, who's on deck? Any IT stocks that need a 'market correction?'

Conway: Here, sir, put this cap on . . .

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