Werewolf Satire: Ask A Prime Minister

From the Hood : Finding A Happy Media

First published in Werewolf Issue 48 on June 11, 2014

Ask A Prime Minister
by Lyndon Hood

At this week's post-cabinet press conference John Key took a few more potshots at Twitter.

This confirms the Prime Minister's earlier remarks on the subject and how he doesn't use social media for conversation (at least, not more than once). He was, in that first case, explaining that the most important thing about the Oravida conflict of interest allegations was that Judith Collins had said something on Twitter.

The idea was that, while the thing she said on Twitter was not nearly as alarming as some of the things she said in person in front of TV cameras, the whole business would be sorted out if she just logged off for a bit.

As it turned out, he was right.

I'm still not sure why the PM never engages - whether it really is because of the bottom feeders and trolls, or because he doesn't want the Internet to see him acting like he does in Question Time, or because he hasn't worked out how to charge twenty dollars per response on behalf of the National Party. But it struck me he must have a huge backlog, which doesn't seem right. In New Zealand we're proud of how accessible our politicians are.

So I thought I should have a go at answering them. I am doing this in John Key's capacity as Prime Minister. I figured that what with all those fundraisers where he's not in his capacity as Prime Minister, he wouldn't mind me borrowing it for a bit. In that spirit, let's clear up some of those unanswered questions. I thought I’d start with some of mine.

Prime Minister: you've often been described as someone a guy could have a beer with. Can I have a beer with you?

Does the way you guys are reacting to the John Banks verdict mean all of you have been corruptly anonymizing electoral donations and he just got caught?

Hi John. I'm planning an international holiday soon and I wondered under exactly what circumstances you'd be officially annoyed if I am killed by a foreign government. Is it just judicial executions, or would you disapprove of some extrajudicial killings? Maybe if I was the actual target? Or if the nation doing the killing was officially at war with the people on whom they were raining sudden death from the sky? Thanks in advance.

How come something as uncertain as a Treasury forecast of a surplus is enough to get your budget declared a victory?

So that cash-for-access business seems to be using the power of the Government to benefit a political party with potential fallout on all sides. What's the difference between that and the pledge card scandal?

What about superannuation, John? What about climate change?

Are you the only person in the world ever to drink a cup of tea and get indigestion three years later?

How about that Internet Party then?

So will you be supporting electoral reform?

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