Lyndon Hood: Political Nursery Rhymes

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Parliament is back from recess, so that means it must be story time...

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgie ran away.

The PM refused to cement
The implied connection between those events
Which left everybody rather unsure
Why a Minister and MP went out the door.

Melissa Lee
Went to Mt Albert
In a shower of rain.
She stepped in a puddle
Right up to her middle.
Which wasn't the last mistake she made.

A testifying Thai tiler touched on Taito*;
The foreign fastener fingered Phillip Field.
Since Sunan Siriwan swore a solemn statement,
It's time to try a trial for Phillip Field.

* (a title)

Sing a song of tax cuts, a pocket full of nothing,
Two-odd million voters played for a muffin.
When the books were opened the Nats began to spin,
About the situation that the Government books were in.

The first round of tax cuts were mostly for the rich,
The second round was pretty much thrown in a ditch.
The election was a while ago and lots has happened since,
But can we say the end result is pure coincidence?

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,
Are all the children in their beds? I'll crush their cars, if not.

Mary, Mary quite contrary,
Did you notice that in his statement
Richard Worth said he'd earlier resigned as a Cabinet Minister
When he was actually a Minister outside cabinet?
Yes, I thought you'd find that amusing.

The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.
When they were up, they were up
And when they were down, they were down
And when they were only halfway up
They were neither up nor down.
They were about as reliable
As the New Zealand dollar.

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse.
And they all got together and started a finance company.

Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!
Because my Shearer got two bags
For every one all the other candidates got.

Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't beat her
Because at some point they changed the law,
To make it no more legal to hit your wife
Than it is to hit anyone else.
I imagine it caused quite a fuss at the time.

"Who killed Cock Robin?" "I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow, I killed Cock Robin."
Or, to be fastidous, that's the police's take;
I've heard the tape - I think it's gibberish.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
The first little piggy gave its friends flu because it went out despite feeling ill,
The second one was trapped in sow crate,
But everyone's probably gone back to buying whatever kind of pork they normally do,
All the way home.

Auckland City's falling down,
Falling down, falling down,
Auckland City's falling down,
My fair Rodney.

Consider the commision for a few days,
A few hours, a few days,
Then decide to do it your way,
My fair Rodney.

First bill passed quick as can be,
As can be, as can be;
Make it a fait accompli,
My fair Rodney.

Opposition won't shut up,
Won't shut up, won't shut up.
Say, "In time for the World Cup!"
My fair Rodney.

Get a little help from Banks
Help from Banks, help from Banks,
It was bad before, but now it tanks,
My fair Rodney.

A referendum's not a go,
Not a go, not a go,
If you did that, they might vote 'No'!
My fair Rodney.

Make a committee and then stack it,
And then stack it, and then stack it,
Try the 'consultation' racket,
My fair Rodney.

Then send in Melissa Lee,
'Lissa Lee, 'Lissa Lee,
Least she's not from your party,
My fair Rodney.

Build a motorway straight through
'Way straight through, 'way straight through
That'd be a helpful thing to do,
My fair Rodney.

Your voters might feel double crossed,
Double crossed, double crossed,
That you don't care what it will cost,
My fair Rodney.

Spend their money on party central,
Party central, party central,
Circuses and... maybe lentils,
My fair Rodney.

Then tie them up with shipping cable,
Shipping cable, shipping cable,
To stop them getting in the way of your self-imposed timetable
My fair Rodney.

This Auckland stuff is a mug's game,
A mug's game, a mug's game,
Key grins, and you just get the blame
My fair Rodney.

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