Lyndon Hood: A Victory Parade For John Key

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Key***:

(1) A patched up, expanded Economy propels New Zealand along the road to success, only saddled with a bigger, better national debt. High inflation is no longer considered an issue, so they're pumping it up as hard as they can.

Six months ago there was a plan to use this as a cash cow, but it turned out to be bull. And, though they are building infrastructure urgently, there is still a big hole ahead.

(In the hole, the artist has cunningly depicted the optical fibre in the form of a Lamp, to remind the initiated of the Torch of Freedom.)

"Onward," cries the Driver, "and don't spare the emmissions! Let's grow our cake, and eat it too!"

(2) The Victor leads the parade. He is portrayed here with Eyes, to indicate that he has a Vision For New Zealand.

Holding his master's Laurels is the traditional Slave, to whisper to him as they go among the worshipful masses: "You, too, are mortal."

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(3) The Champion, in his new Winston-Skin Cloak, ready to recieve his reward. Behind him, a carefully-quarantined Roger Douglas.

(4) This lonely Rooster follows the Leader now, finally lured away from his earlier position sitting on the fence. Grand though his plumage is, he wasn't able to bring any friends along on his tail.

(5) It's the Dead-Fish Swallower with some other Baggage From The 90s! How the crowd laughs at their ideological contortions!

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(6) A series of unexplained Leeks.

(7) These Shadowy Corporate Backers might be pleased, but who can tell? Hopefully, they'll be more transparent next time, but don't bet on it.

(8) The Third Cab Off The Rank, about to test the wisdom of hitching their wagon to a Ministerial Post.

So far in the Parade, our New Leader has rather more votes than he needs. Who says he doesn't believe in Big Governments?

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(9) Look! Now there are more blocks of cheese in the Back Pockets of Hard-Worker New Zealanders. And Camp Boots. That's what they are. Not boot camps. Nothing like boot camps.

(10) Kiwis flocking to return from Australia. Welcome home! Thank goodness for tax cuts!

(11) It's Crime-O, mascot of the private prison industry! Crime-O's new, harsher formula: no promises about cleaning up your streets but, boy, is it harsh. Crime-O: now also more expensive.

(Crime-O is a division of the Halliburton Corporation.)

(12) The credible, affordable and practical Solution to one in five children failing at school.

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(13) The terrifying Five-Headed Left Wing Monster. Slain by a magical Four-Handed Sword.

(14) This Kiwisaver Retirement Saving Scheme has been gutted. Look how much money was inside! How many lollies could you buy with that?

(15) The Discussion-Document-White-Paper-Line-By-Line-Review-And-Committee-Report Bearer. Awww.

(16) Ask not for whom The Toll is tolled; because even if the incoming Minister answers you the incoming Prime Minister will probably overrule him immediately, and you'll end up none the wiser.

(17) A Tax Cut Dispensing Machine. Compared to the troubles being forecast, the tax cut may be small change, but that's good. Becuase it's time for a change, as we all apparently agree.

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(18) The Dead Hand Of The State.

(19) An In-Control Public Service, capped and with emergency arrangements to control waste.

(20) We'll be cracking down on every kind of gang except the Razor Gang: he hasn't been called on yet - in so many words - but he knows he'll be wanted. Slashing or slow bleeding, he promises you won't feel a thing. He doesn't mind if it's a haircut or an amputation - either way, that's "less" bureaucrats.

"Here's and idea," he says, "If we can't sell off state assets, what say we privatise the government?"

(21) The Prime Minister De-Elect, accompanied by her Sidekick who you will note has Two Long Ears (if I heard the story right, he did have Nine Long Ears, but wasted them). She is walking before her entourage can fight about who gets to roll her.

* Of course you can't find them. They're hidden.

** For prize, apply to Mike Williams. Time limit may have expired.

*** See what I did there?

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