Lyndon Hood: News Missed During The Peters Saga

Published: Thu 2 Oct 2008 04:53 PM
News You May Have Missed During The Winston Peters SagaSatire by Lyndon Hood
It has come to my attention that other things were happening while Winston Peters' various donations were dominating the news.
I know, I was as surprised as anyone.
Anyway, after some research I present my reconstruction of these non-Peters-related events:
Gordon Copeland looked forward to the TV election debates.
Fonterra looked forward to the China free trade agreement coming into force.
Finally learning from National the lesson of attacking your political opponent where you are weak, Helen Clark decided to campaign on "trust".
An angry nation demanded a definitive answer as to whether we did well in the Olympics or not.
Caroline and Georgina Evers-Swindell declined nomination for ACT's wildcard #5 list slot, as they were quite busy with the rowing and are also technically more than one person.
But surely, if ever there was a party for people who already have gold, but are mortally determined to get more, ACT is it.
The Emissions Trading Bill passed into law. Unfortunately nobody was paying attention and so this failed to save the world.
John Key was slated for his clumsy handling of "is-a-very-rich-person" allegations.
Another candidate failed to take up ACT's #5 list slot: the same dark rituals that reanimated Roger Douglas' political career fail to create a zombie Milton Friedman. One flaw in an otherwise splendid plan.
I expect there were some disasters and stuff in the world somewhere. The New Zealand media probably wouldn't have paid much attention anyway, so don't worry.
The last-minute rush of Treaty of Waitangi Claims was probably needed, considering the rate Cullen seemed to be settling them.
The Mongrel Mob and Black Power also made claims and, really, who's going to stop them?
The National Party, apparently cautious about being held to the implied promises in their billboards, decided to make them as inconspicuous and indecipherable as possible.
The Labour Party launched billboards that suggest they think Helen Clark is their biggest asset.
Under urgency, Parliament officially adopted Robert Mugabe as easy shorthand for accusing you opponent of imposing a totalitarian reign of terror, large-scale violent evictions, general starvation and the arrest, beating or murder of political opponents.
Or just of doing something that makes you grumpy.
But without those unpleasant holocaust-y overtones you get with Adolf Hitler.
The National Party announced its whitebait policy.
A National government will intoduce a programme of significant tax cuts, reform the RMA and investigate other whitebait-friendly policies.
Not like Labour, who have had nine long year to solve this problem and have done nothing.
Michael Cullen consoled himself over upcoming tax cuts by playing with his train set. Chugga chugga chugaa. Wooooo!
Curious George was rejected for the ACT #5 list slot, despite having the experience to step in as the monkey who hangs out with a man in who dresses in yellow.
ACT officals reportedly considered the candidate "too fictional".
"Now some people in this Parliament don't like rich people. Some people think they shouldn't be allowed to have political opinions or use their money to support their opinions. But guess what?" says Rodney Hide, building to a climax, "It's their money! Some people might not like that - some people might want to tell them how to spend it, or make them get a piece of paper, some sort of permission slip before they allowed to spend it. I'm sure Robert Mugabe would like that too. But they've earned their money and what they do with it is none of the Government's business!"
Despite this ringing endorsement, Winston Peters is not endorsed for ACT's #5 slot.
Apparently there's going to be some kind of election.
Oh, and one in New Zealand too.
Got feedback? Leave a comment on Lyndon's blog.

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