Lyndon Hood: Mother Scoop's Almanac 2008

JANUARY

January 1 - Brick hurled at Helen Clark's electoral office to celebrate repeal of Sedition.

January 4 - US Primaries begin. Republicans decide voters are finally ready for a white male President.

January 21 - Sudden reduction in newsworthy international events requires major outlets to go back to covering local news for the rest of the year.

January 31 - 'Fanuary' turns down $158,000 donation from NZ First. Pubic-hair competition's charity is "ashamed" and "embarrassed" at thought of taking Winston's money.

FEBRUARY

February 1 - Second Anniversary of commencement of 2008 Election campaign.

February 12 - Parliament resumes. Helen Clark outlines her plan to secure her legacy as longest-serving Labour Prime Minister by ensuring no Labour government is ever elected again.

February 19 - Plague of high-80s fashion.

MARCH

March 11 - Trevor Mallard detonates a pipe bomb in Parliament, injuring members on both benches. "That's Trevor," says PM Helen Clark.

March 21, Good Friday - Gordon Copeland celebrates the Holy Week by acting like a martyr.

March 28 - Health scandal as somebody dies in a hospital, or having gone home from one.

APRIL

April 1 - Global warming consensus shatters. Ha ha, just kidding. April Fools Day.

April 7 - Citizen's jury on electoral system formed. After 3 hours deliberation, delivers guilty verdict.

April 24 - Figures reveal a city the size of Wanganui will emigrate to Australia in 2008, which will leave an unfortunate gap between Hawera and Bulls.

MAY

May 9 - Paranoid right-wing bloggers decry lack of long-expected draconian anti-blog laws, demand compensation for costs of moving to CB radio.

May 12 - Rain of mortgagee sales.

May 21 - Reports from the capital of reduced reflections and bluer skies, as politics becomes increasingly polarised.

JUNE

June 7 - Full moon. Having been bitten by Trevor Mallard, Christopher Finlayson goes on baby-eating rampage.

June 14 - Ex-PM Mike Moore writes a newspaper column accusing Helen Clark of manipulating police, judiciary and electoral official to make Electoral Finance Act seem less draconian than it actually is.

June 19 - Addition of just one more "wafer thin" convict causes overcrowded prison to literally burst, comically showering surroundings with a mixture of prisoners, building materials and electronic goods.

JULY

July 12 - After working through the entire charities register in alphabetical order, New Zealand First considers giving its $158,000 to Parliamentary Services.

July 17 - Keith Locke declares support for a new cause. The cause is immediately arrested and placed in solitary confinement pending deportation.

July 28 - Winston Peters returns from successful overseas diplomacy to begin triennial complaining about foreigners.

AUGUST

August 8 - Public entirely sick of 2008 election campaign.

August 9 - Official 2008 election campaign launches commence.

August 24 - 2008 Olympics conclude with disappointing results for NZ. Clayton Cosgrove re-schedules 2010 Rugby World Cup for October 2008 in last-ditch gamble for positive sporting news before the election.

August 28 - Labour Party releases election pledge card, paid for by taxpayer funds and signed by Helen Clark. Document becomes widely know as "Her Own Death Warrant".

SEPTEMBER

September 4 - David Cunliffe announces plan to enforce internet peering. Unbundled, fully peered NZ internet to develop independent consciousness, demand an army of human slaves, DRM-free access to classic manga movies.

September 7 - Reserve Bank and politicians on both sides are alarmed as economy continues to perform well.

Septmeber 23 - Parliament is dissolved. "I'm melting! I'm melting!" shrieks Parliament.

OCTOBER

October 10 - In a move to court popular approval, David Benson-Pope resigns some more.

October 18 - New Zealand Herald now entirely full of pictures of MPs who voted for bills its editor didn't like.

October 24 - Bad time of year to plant MPs.

NOVEMBER

November 5 - US Presidential election results in either a victory for the right or a vote for change, and will be widely reported as a bad omen for Labour.

November 15 - NZ Elections postponed following assassination of orange election man.

DECEMBER

December 5 - Nicky Watson's horse going missing.

Watson: I've even been looking in cupboards and everything for him.
Interviewer: You're nuts.
Watson: No, my horse!

December 25, Christmas Day - Santa punishes naughty carbon polluters by filling their Christmas stockings with coal.

December 31 - World still doesn’t end.

© Scoop Media