Make You Own Child Abuse Press ReleaseInteractive satire by Lyndon Hood
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Recent events, highlighting our national habit of toddler-killing, have provoked widespread outrage, much of which has
been aired in public.
Perhaps, like many otherwise normal people, you have yet to put out a press release on the subject. Don't worry - Scoop
is here to help you.
As a service to our readers we have reproduced - completely free of charge - the offical template for outraged press
releases about child abuse.
Now, for the first time, you too can join the usual suspects and multi-choose your way to the opinion pages.
We hope this will help our nation finish venting at the horrible maltreatment of this lot of children before the media
notices another one.
Violence Against Children
"BadNot GoodA National ShameShould Not Be ToleratedHelen's FaultNothing To Do With MeChance To Appeal To PrejudiceOnly In Moderation"
Recent tragic child abuse statistics show a culture of abuse and violence and
somebody ought to do somethingit must stop nowpeople need to take some responsibilityeverybody seems to be just whining about itthat'll help the socially conservative voteit's just political correctness gone mad,
United Future Leader Peter DunneNational Party Welfare spokeswoman Judith CollinsACT Social Services Spokesman [sic] Heather RoyGreen Party MP Sue BradfordTe Ururoa Flavell, MP for WaiarikiSensible Sentencing Trust spokesman Garth McVicarChristine Rankin, CEO For the Sake of our Children TrustBob McCoskrie, National Director of Family First NZwelfare commentator Lindsay Mitchellsome guy on talkbackyou said today.
"After the tragic death of
the Kahui twinsone of those other murdered kids
there was a lot of outraged rhetoric and a political talkfest. Since then the Government has
done nothingdone somethingnot done what it said it wouldbeen repeatedly admitted to hospital with serious bruising.
And now children continue to die. This is
badshockinghardly faira cry for helptypical of this power-mad Labour Governmentdespite the smacking banstatistically inevitablea tragic waste of child laboura sign kids aren't as durable as they used to be.
"New Zealand's record on child abuse is a national shame. We must address the root cause of this blot on our society:
brown peoplewelfarismlack of corporal punishmentcolonisation'loving discipline'atheismderegulationvideo gamespolitical correctnessnanny-statismparolepeople in no way like meover-reportinggay marriagethe high NZ dollara rising Asian crime tidethe 'babykiller' geneanger at lack of tax cutssnotty little kidsartificial sweeteners.
"The time for talking has passed - we already know what the solution is. The Government must move immediately to
back successful community organisationsban poor peoplegive child abusers 'the bash'institute mandatory police surveillance of parentspreemptively put at-risk kids out of their misery,
run a public education campaignget people to dob in their neighboursfind someone to blamehand out free hugspack all children in protective cases
increase prison sentencesteach schoolchildren killing toddlers is wrongscreen all medical patients for abusecut taxes for hard-working kiwisput a price on carbon emissionsgive that damn pied piper his money, already.
fix everythingdo the trickmake it all go awaybe a startbe enthusiastically agreed to then abandonedpass responsiblity on to someone elsenot work, but we'll feel better.
And I think that's something we all can agree on.
"How many more children have to die?I told you this would happen!Why can't we all just get along?It's enough to make you vote Libertarianz!And I would just like to add that I am not a racist."