Kiwi Herald Digest: Shoppers Held Hostage 'n' Computer Porn
Army Fails To Find Shoppers Held Hostage
The Army's crack anti-terrorism squad today raided the offices of the National Distribution Union but failed to find any
hostages. The action was prompted by full page pieces in most major dailies where Progressive Enterprises, owners of
major supermarket chains, said shoppers were being held hostage by striking unionists.
Army spokesperson Colonel Jack Major said after the raids that it was early days, the identities of those held hostage
were as yet unknown but he was confident 'a good result' would be achieved.
"We've got the Reverand Jessie Jackson coming. He's volunteered to negotiate the release of all those held just as soon
as he finishes persauding Hisbollah to release those Israeli soldiers. In the meantime we've got local expert
Chrisyopher Harder on board."
Meanwhile Foodtown shopping reporter and dietitian Marnie Oberer has recorded a series of emotional appeals to the
hostage-takers not to skimp on fresh meat and vegetables when feeding their captors. She has recommended "a couple of
slow cooking recipes and a few envigorating snacks to help fill those long periods of just sitting around reading Das
Kapital."
Meanwhile three missing people were found when the army scoured supermarkets for missing shoppers. An elderly
Invercargill couple were discovered 'cosy but slightly greasy' after two weeks escaping cold weather down the back of a
Foodtown pie-warmer. In Hamilton a six year old boy was pulled feet-first from a bin filled with 'end of the line
confectionary'. His mother told The Kiwi Herald that she believed his day buried in cheap chocolate might have brought
an end to 'his constant bloody whining for treats.'
School Principal's Computer Shock
Moenui was gripped by a deepening sex-scandal today when a search of local teacher Jim Jenkinson's computer found more
'inappropriate images.' Last week the nearby Meka Valley School principal was censured by the school Board after an IT
contractor found shocking images on his computer while attempting to extract a ham sandwich from the floppy drive. The
images included 'scores of pictures of Bambi gambolling wantonly and about a thousand pictures of the Disney characters
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.'
Board Chairman Paul Apperley told the Herald that while there was no law against having such images on a computer
"everyone knows it is not appropriate for someone charged with the care of small children to be locked in his office
looking at this stuff. You have to wonder what else he's been looking at don't you?"
The Chairman's question was answered today when the new search of the computer turned up three pictures of MP Ron Mark
'giving the finger.'
Mr Apperley said the Board was appalled that "the school's property was being used to down-load such filth and parents
in the community are understandably despairing about the safety of their children."
ENDS