Satire: Foreign Affairs Briefs
by Lyndon Hood
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Slighted McCain Vows to Destroy New Zealand
Having been interrupted by Winston Peters, US Senator John McCain - a likely presidential candidate - has abandoned his
previously favourable stance towards New Zealand and now plans to "wipe it off the face of the earth" at the first
opportunity.
The unconscionable rudeness of New Zealand's Foreign Minister has sent the normally affable senator into a state
variously described as "pique" or "apocalyptic wrath".
During the intervening week, McCain has been repeatedly heard to mutter, "Interrupt me will he? Nuclear ships, huh? I'll
give them nuclear."
McCain is expected to campaign for the Republican presidential nomination on a return to core values, his reputation for
honesty and "bombing New Zealand until it's a glass crater on the pacific seabed".
Commentators believe this "total annihilation" plan may impact negatively on the prospects for a US-NZ free trade deal.
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Nations Not Exactly Cueing Up to Join Lebanon Peacekeeping Force for Some Reason
UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan today expressed annoyance at the sudden dearth of nations volunteering to participate in
a mooted UN force in South Lebanon.
"I don't understand," Annan told media during an informal briefing, "everyone said it was such a good idea on Monday."
The Secretary-General expressed annoyance that, whenever a country was approached, it would offer some vague,
transparent excuse and suggest some other nation instead.
"Honestly," he said, "it's like asking who's to blame for the collapse of the Doha round."
"If it wasn't for the support of Trinidad and Tobago, I would just flag the whole thing and let the Middle East keep
it's own damn peace."
Trinidad and Tobago was the only country which, when volunteers for the new mission were called for, did not take one
step backwards.
In related news, Israel has denied that bombing much of the nation of Lebanon over the actions of one group constitutes
practising collective punishment.
"I wouldn't call it practise," explained Israel, "We're already so good at it."
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Tsunami Sequel Disappoints Critics
The long-awaited follow-up to Indonesia's record-breaking 2004 tsunami has disappointed critics. More than a week after
opening, the "underwhelming" disaster has conspicuously failed to generate a buzz among media or punters worldwide.
The original death wave was the out-of-nowhere smash hit of the 2004 Christmas season. It received saturation media
coverage for weeks and put Indonesia on the map as a disaster centre to be reckoned with.
"The earthquake they had earlier this year was - if on a smaller scale than BoxDay04 - a genuine disaster," explained
disaster critic Tony Pan, "but it was ruined by unfair worldwide expectations. Everyone was like, 'Where is the big
wave?'."
"But this one? There's nothing new here. And they haven't even got their formula right. Sure, there's Indonesia, there's
an earthquake and a big wave. But it's not bigger or more destructive than the last one. They seem to have missed the
whole point. This is nothing but a trailer for part three - people won't like that."
"This isn't a tragedy that high-paying Western audiences can care about. Like that Mumbai bombing - sure, it's big bombs
on trains, but audiences needs to have sympathy with protagonists. Mumbai was no London."
Low income from the current tsunami may cause the cancellations of the planned third instalment, "Tsumani: Apocalypse".
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