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News We Missed Because of the Holidays

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Whales May Be Developing Nuclear Weapons: Japan
National Party Press Secretaries Chained to Desks Over Holidays, Writing Press Releases for Food
No Unprecedented Natural Disasters in 2006 So Far
Wayne Mapp Accidentally Eradicates Self
Next Census to Allow Wholly Uninformative Ethnicity Response
Prison Construction Growth Industry of 2006

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Whales May Be Developing Nuclear Weapons: Japan

Antarctic Circle, Jan 5 - Citing "clear and credible" intelligence, the Japanese Government today announced that the nuclear ambitions of south sea whales may be close to fruition.

"There has been no investigation into the cetacean weapons programme for decades," said a highly-place Japanese source, "The whales' behaviour cannot be dealt with through diplomacy and it is not technically illegal."

"If current sanctions do not deter the whales, we are prepared to deploy our army to the area."

"We will not rule out any means to rid ourselves of this menace," he concluded, "no matter how delicious the result may be."

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National Party Press Secretaries Chained to Desks Over Holidays, Writing Press Releases for Food

Wellington, Jan 6 - Without even a fire in the grate, the press secretaries of some National Party MPs have been forced to continue producing press releases during the holiday season, while outside their offices children played and everything was brightness and joy.

"Mr Power said we should be grateful for food and board at the taxpayer's expense," read a note thrown from a window of the National Party offices, "I'm not ungrateful, but I would like to see my family".

National MPs currently in Wellington were not available for comment, as they were in extended negotiations with the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future.

The rest of Parliament has closed for two months over summer, due to increased staff costs cased by the Holidays Act.

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No Unprecedented Natural Disasters in 2006 So Far

New York, Jan 7 - United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan today celebrated this year's seventh consecutive day without a biblical-level event of natural destruction descending on any part of the world.

"Since before Christmas, the earth, sea and sky have not conspired to wipe any part of humanity from the face of the earth. Considering the same period one year ago, it appears that fate is smiling upon us."

Annan noted that people worldwide have continued to precipitate wars, destroy livelihoods and kill or maim each other at the usual rate.

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Wayne Mapp Accidentally Eradicates Self

Wellington, Jan 10 - Dr Wayne Mapp, the National Party's political correctness watchdog, having vanished late yesterday afternoon, is now missing, presumed eradicated.

The only clue to Dr Mapp's fate is a letter left on the desk of his home office. The correspondent complains of a politician who is trying to interfere in private and community organisations based on his own incoherent agenda.

Dr Mapp appears to have have initialled the letter and stamped it "ERADICATE" in big red letters.

"I guess the poor guy didn't realise it was referring to him," a police spokesperson said, "Now all trace of him is gone from the universe".

Police wish to remind the public of the dangers of subjectively defined, generalised roles and silly job titles in the hands of politicians.

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Next Census to Allow Wholly Uninformative Ethnicity Response

Wellington, Jan 12 - Statistics New Zealand has cited public pressure and "over-informative" statistical results in its decision to accept "New Zealander" as an ethnicity in the upcoming census.

"The ethnicity question shows how people of various origins and cultures are represented through New Zealand society," said Chief Statistician Brian Pink, "In that context, the response 'New Zealander' is basically meaningless. Unless you assume almost all the people saying that are white, which we won't do any more."

"However, should any future government wish to ignore the existence of brown people, this will make their job that much easier."

As well as geographically-defined ethnicity, other options considered for Census 2006 included reporting your household income as "money" and your current address as "sitting down filling out the census".

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Prison Construction Growth Industry of 2006

Meremere, Jan 18 - While many believe growth in building costs may be under control, there's one sector that just keeps on booming - prison construction.

"The electorate is hungry to keep more criminals in prison for longer, the system is already bursting at the seams and the numbers will just keep growing. Combine this with a shortage of construction workers, and it adds up to an urgent problem for this government and future governments," said one analyst, "That sounds like a builder's market to me."

Prison construction has been considered "hot" for almost a decade. In 1999 the National government prediced that the cost of Ngawha prison would be approximately $40 million. By 2002 it had broken 100 million and since then it's value has only grown. Investors are particularly excited by the prospect of private/public partnerships under a National government.

"Contractors can name their price," explained prison-construction broker Gordon Gecko from his on-site jacuzzi, "Go into prisons! That's where the money is!"

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