Questions for Oral Answer: Alternate UniverseSatire by Lyndon Hood
From: Actual Questions for Oral Answer (13/12/2005), New Zealand Parliament:
Rt Hon WINSTON PETERS: The answer to that question is to be found in 3 years of emails of the National Party’s internal workings, where the New Zealand Herald is concerned. [Interruption] Oh, I know what those members are thinking: they are wondering whether I have one telephone book full of those emails, or 10. Well, I have to tell those members that, in all this excitement, I myself clean forgot to count them. But given that this is the most damaging information seen in the Western World, and could blow their political heads clean off, they have to ask themselves whether they feel lucky. Well, do they—punks?
From: Imaginary Questions for Oral Answer (13/12/2005), Alternate Reality
Gerry Brownlee: Is the minister talkin' to me? If not, who the hell else is the minister talkin' to?
Rt Hon WINSTON PETERS: Frankly, Madam Speaker, I don't give a damn.
Gerry Brownlee: Madam Speaker, I raise a point of order. I asked the minister a question and in no way did he address it. I think we need to hear the truth.
Rt Hon WINSTON PETERS: You want the truth?
Gerry Brownlee: Yes I do.
Rt Hon WINSTON PETERS: You want the truth?
Gerry Brownlee: I think I'm entitled to it.
Rt Hon WINSTON PETERS: You can't handle the truth!
Madam SPEAKER: Please both sit down. Now, seeing as it's Christmas, I will rule that the Minister did not in fact address the question. The minister will please answer the question.
Rt Hon WINSTON PETERS: Madam Speaker, I believe you are trying to seduce me.
1. Dr DON BRASH (Leader of the Opposition) to the Prime Minister: Does she have confidence in all her Ministers; if not, why not?
Hon Dr MICHAEL CULLEN (Acting Prime Minister) on behalf of the Prime Minister: Yes.
Dr Don Brash: Is she satisfied that Mr Benson-Pope has not misled the House, the media, or the public by releasing the highly selective analysis of his police file, and refusing to reconcile conflicting statements about it; if so, is she concerned that public opinion and newspaper editorials continue to call for his resignation?
Hon Dr MICHAEL CULLEN: That question raises issues that have already been dealt with in the House. Play it again, Sam!
Gerry Brownlee: Madam Speaker, I raise a point of order. Perhaps the minister is unaware that the line 'Play it again, Sam' actually does not appear in Casablanca, not a lot of people know that, and I would invite the minister to rephrase his answer accordingly.
Hon Dr MICHAEL CULLEN: A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Madam SPEAKER: That's not a point of order.
3. Hon BILL ENGLISH (National—Clutha-Southland) on behalf of JOHN KEY (National—Helensville) to the Minister of Finance: Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What does the minister do? What does the minister do?
Hon Dr MICHAEL CULLEN (Minister of Finance): I see dead people.
4. SUE KEDGLEY (Green) to the Minister of Broadcasting: Is he satisfied with the way TVNZ is giving effect to its charter; if so, why?
Hon STEVE MAHAREY (Minister of Broadcasting): Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Sue Kedgley: When did he see or become aware of the memorandum from the former chief executive of TVNZ Ian Fraser to the October 2005 TVNZ board, and does he agree with Mr Fraser’s assessment that TVNZ has become virtually indistinguishable from other commercial channels, that it carries levels of advertising that are higher than any other public service broadcaster in the world, and that its current programming is “profoundly incompatible with any recognisable model of public broadcasting”; if not, why not?
Hon STEVE MAHAREY: Oh no, it wasn't the charter. It was Beauty killed the Beast.
11. STEVE CHADWICK (Labour—Rotorua) to the Associate Minister of Health: What reports has he received about the public’s response to the introduction of the Smoke-free Environments Amendment Act 2003?
Hon DAMIEN O'CONNOR (Associate Minister of Health): It's like in the great stories Madam Speaker, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it'll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something even if you were too small to understand why. But I think Madam Speaker, I do understand, I know now folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something.
Steve Chadwick: What are we holding onto?
Hon DAMIEN O'CONNOR: That there's some good in the world, Madam Speaker, and it's worth fighting for.