Satirist 'Apologises' to Howard
(Satire) By Lyndon Hood
An example of the sort of Image this satirist will no longer be making
Scoop's resident Satirist today issued a belated apology to Australian Prime Minister John Howard for writing a column
titled " Howard Demands Emergency Anti-Wolf Legislation
". The article made childish jests towards Mr Howard's recent announcement of urgent terror threats.
"The time has come to end the silence. I did not wish to imply that there were no terrorists in Australia," said the
Satirist, "To anyone left with that impression, I apologise unreservedly.
"I did suggest that Howard may have been exaggerating a real threat - and that the public had no convincing way to tell
whether he was or not. But I had forgotten that it is not possible to exaggerate the threat of terrorism. We must
carefully and publicly examine every suspected terrorist incident, especially now when people are in the streets
protesting the anti-union bills.
"Thanks to diligent work by Australian security forces, and apparently," he said through clenched teeth, "this new
legislation, we have arrests in what appears to be a serious terrorist plot. Of course, if I were a terrorist, I would choose my target before acquiring my explosives. Oh well, I suppose it takes all sorts. Anyway, I look forward to all the facts coming out in a fair and public trial."
The Satirist then paused to wipe a drop of bile from the corner of his mouth.
"I have learned my lesson. From now on I will not oppose any Government passing legislation with minimal debate for
reasons they refuse to make public. No matter how suspicious the circumstances or how slippery the toad drafting the
bills. In fact, I will encourage it.
"Legal tradition teaches us that passing a law on the basis of a single case in order to arrest a specific group of
people is just the kind of thing we should all get in behind.
"And now, Howard must pass the rest of his anti-terrorism package, especially the draconian bits, without any further examination. Recent
events in Australia prove this. For some reason that escapes me right now.
"Also, he should get to pass his employment legislation. Just because he's such a nice man.
"I agree that law enforcement agencies should be granted whatever powers they say they need. I also encourage loyal
citizens to stay at home with their hands clearly visible from now on, to make the security force's job that much
"In short, I am sorry I said the things I did, and I look forward to the full anti-terrorism package being passed so
that nobody will be allowed to say such things again."
The Satirist was then led back to his enclosure, howling mournfully.