A Week of It: Boxing Blues & Winston’s Promises

Friday, 15 July 2005, 5:48 pm
Column: Kevin List

A Week of It: Boxing Blues And Winston’s Promises

In This Edition:
JT Gets In the Muthafunkin Ring…with a Female Prime TV reporter
Peters As Good as Promises To Go With National By Attacking Brash
Culprit For Press Gallery Ranking Terror Partially Un- masked
Thought for the week:

Mr Tamihere finds one person willing to get near a boxing ring with him.

This week the untold story that had not been told was finally told - John Tamihere wanted to do more than sing at the annual Fight for Life, charity boxing, biffo festival. Mr Tamihere spilled the goods about his failed pugilistic plans to a sparring partner from the Prime TV news team.

Rather than warbling like an angel at ‘Fight for Life’, Mr Tamihere assured the plucky reporter, he wanted to be swinging like Muhammad Ali (although not necessarily in those words).

Mr Tamihere wished to move beyond the verbal sparring of the debating chamber and have a good crack at some opposition politicians in the form of Hone Harawira (Maori Party ) or Tau Henare (National Party). Mr Tamihere would have difficulty asking either man to step out of the Beehive bar Pickwick’s, and go at it hammer and tongs in the Parliamentary carpark, as neither Mr Henare or Mr Harawira have yet been elected.

When it became obvious neither Mr Harawira or Mr Henare wanted to get in the ring, Mr Tamihere turned his attention to the press gallery and in particular Mr Duncan Garner. Mr Garner had recently won a Qantas award for his 2004 coverage of Mr Tamihere’s tax troubles. Sadly, as Mr Garner assured Prime TV, he was only into breaking stories not noses, so this potentially magnificent bout fell by the way side as well.

A Week of It wonders why Mr Tamihere didn’t look for opponents in his own party first. Surely after his recent media exclusive in Investigate magazine he would have had any number of colleagues willing to let the fists do the talking.

If finding an opponent in his own caucus wasn't a success then why bother attacking the media for your troubles - why not go straight to the source. Surely there’s one stocky politician always up for a spot of aggro. This chap is a rugged street-fighter stalking the halls of power - a veritable Mike Tyson of the debating chamber – and an ex oil rig worker.

Tragically this hypothetical sparring partner seems never to have been asked. Despite this, thanks to the magic of digital trickery, A Week of It is able to bring to the public a picture of what this man may have looked like following a hypothetical bout with Mr Tamihere. The mental imagery of what Mr Tamihere may have ended up looking like was too gruesome to contemplate.

A picture of someone following a hypothetical boxing bout against Mr John Tamihere

Mr Winston Peters enjoys a good joke - especially when he’s just told it.

This week New Zealand First leader Winston Peters spelled out his preference for forming a coalition with the National Party post election by constantly attacking that Party and its economic guru, Dr Donald T Brash. Whilst many lesser mortals may have been put off the scent by Mr Peters dumping on his opposition colleagues A Week of It wasn’t one of these unfortunates.

Thinking back to that glorious year 1996, the year ‘The Spice Girls’ released one of the all time biggest selling albums in pop, Mr Peters had nary a good word to say about the National Party. Needless to say he was soon engaged in coalition with them following New Zealand’s first MMP election.

This time Mr Peters is talking up buying back state owned assets. Already ten weeks out from the election we can assure our readers that this won’t be one of Mr Peters bottom lines for forming a Government.

In 1996 New Zealand First aimed to STOP all sales of state assets. That wasn’t just any state assets it was ‘ALL New Zealand’s strategic assets such as, Port Companies, all current SOE’s and Airport companies - these were to be limited to 24.9% foreign ownership.

There will be NO further state asset sales screamed New Zealand First press releases from their Leader’s Office (the Rt Hon Winston Peters office).

This would explain of course Mr Peters speech as Treasurer in 1998.

"Key initiatives announced in the 1998 budget include decisions to negotiate with local government shareholders to divest the Crown's ownership interest in Auckland International Airport . . . The government has also started the process of divesting the Crown's ownership interests in the coal mining State Owned Enterprise, Solid Energy."

Media Cow now works for TVNZ

After months of Investigative reporting the likes of which have not been seen since the Watergate break-in A Week of It believes we have tracked down the person responsible for the infamous Media Cow Press gallery rankings of 2003.

For ethical reasons A Week of It has decided not to name this media terrorist but plans to hint irritatingly at who they may be in a style not dissimilar but also not really the same as Metro’s Felicity Ferret (now defunct).

Ever since late 2003 many, many people - believed to number more than one but less than 10 - have wondered who was behind the scathing and infamous press gallery rankings on the shortlived Media cow Blogsite (now proving very difficult to find on the internet.)

In this Attila the Hun type media onslaught the ‘Cow’ gave veteran Newstalk ZB reporter Barry Soper 4.5 out of a possible ten . Mr Soper had points taken off simply and very unfairly, in our opinion, because Mr Cow didn’t like him.

The NZ Herald’s political editor, Audrey Young fared only slightly better with a paltry 5 out of ten. Mr Cow backhandedly complimented Ms Young for ‘being at the top of her game’ adding “She took over as political editor from the excellent John Armstrong. Young's much weaker competition for that job, the appropriately-named Vernon Small, threw his handbag when she was appointed.”

Mr Stephen Parker of TV3 was also given 5 out of ten marks. Mr Cow seemed to like Mr Parker more than most and gave him points for not taking himself too seriously “If only TV3 parliamentary reporter Duncan Garner could learn the same knack,” wrote Mr Cow, as he set his acidic tongue loose on TV3’s 2005 Qantas award winning reporter.

But none of these helpless and innocent journalists however were given the tongue lashing reserved for the man who now writes half the Herald on Sunday - Mr Jonathan Milne. At the time of Mr Cow’s (Nov 2003) - in A Week of It’s opinion - unwarranted attack, Mr Milne was writing half of the Sunday Star Times.

Mr Cow gave Mr Milne 3.5 out of ten and ordered him, in no doubt haughty tones, to “wipe the grime off his snout, and start developing some knowledge on principles and policy.”

Mr Cow must have bought a few shares in the Fairfax Empire as the Dominion Post reporters all sailed through with flying colours. It was another servant of the Fairfax Empire that shone above all others though. In Mr Cow’s opinion, Colin Espiner of the Christchurch Press was pretty much the bees knees.

“Espiner is one to watch. He has nous, he is open-minded, and he doesn't fall for the easy trap of chasing a story just because the rest of the Gallery is. He demonstrates a dangerous level of independent thinking. This Espiner deserves a broader audience,” gushed the gushing Mediacow whilst still finding time to have a dig at Mr Espiner’s brother.

“Former Sunday Star Times political editor and new TVNZ reporter Guyon Espiner - deserves a much smaller audience, at least until he has been given an intensive course in broadcast journalism. And, at the risk of sounding bitchy, a haircut,” said the cruel Mr Cow.

Some media organisations have correctly speculated as to who this no doubt impeccably coiffed individual is and named them. Now we can go one step worse by not revealing their name. In no particular order.

- The used to work for the ACT Party;

-They assisted in writing the turgid ‘pro market’ Radio NZ study of Deborah Coddington and were thanked for their input;

-They may have polished some of Roger Kerr’s weighty treatises on the economy;

- They may have written for the Listener;

- And – they may now be able to provide helpful assistance in person to any who need their broadcasting journalism skills tidied up - because Mr Cow now works for TVNZ!

We can’t be sure of all our facts but it is believed that Mediacow is now a fully fledged TV reporter, a chap always busy and doing the business. It is hoped the Mediacow who now moonlights at http://dogbitingmen.blogspot.com/ will never feel the cyber pain that they once inflicted upon others.

A random man on a busy Wellington Street possibly inebriated.

“Is like everybody in the media … who like slagged off Dr Cullen’s budget like on the top type tax bracket – cos like if they are shouldn’t they declare that… like dude ain’t that a conflict of interest - don’t those TV reporters all get 200,000 bucks or something…”

ENDS

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