'Who Would Jesus Debate?' - White House Transcript

PRESIDENT BUSH: Dammit, Turdblossom, I told you these debates were wrong. Why do I have to answer to some liberal homosexual Senator. Why does Dick have to sit with that wimp ambulance chaser. It sends a mixed message. It tells people we have a system whereby God’s leaders are subject to questioning.

KARL ROVE: George, we’ve been over this.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: George is right, Karl. We cannot allow heathens like John Kerry and John Edwards question God’s anointed. They are not merely liberals, but Kerry is actually a Catholic.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I am God’s messenger. This is a tough job. That’s all they need to know. That’s all the American people need to know.

SECRETARY RIDGE. You told me there would be a terror strike so the debate would be called off. I had the color codes all picked out.

KARL ROVE: That last-minute terror hit backfired on us in Spain. Those two trains blew up just before the election and our people got creamed. Our latest polls show that if there’s another terror strike here the public will make the connection and start blaming us for letting the 9/11 attacks happen in the first place.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: That’s one place we better not go. If only they knew. Ha ha ha.

KARL ROVE: Well, they’re not going to know. George is just going to have to tough it out Friday night.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: You only killed 200 people in Spain. That’s not enough. Don’t you guys have any cajones?

KARL ROVE: The next debate is on domestic issues. George is going to study up.

ALL: Loud, prolonged laughter.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Kerry’s too goddam tall. Who did his hair? Don King?

SECRETARY RIDGE: Our intelligence shows the Democrats used a gel that made Kerry's hair stand up. It gave him two extra inches. He’s already four inches taller than President Bush. In every election for the past hundred years the taller candidate has won.

KARL ROVE: Well that included Al Gore and look what we did to him. All we need is for the polls to show George ahead on election day. Our voting machines and state police and election boards will take care of the rest.

ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT: Polling newly registered voters is an act of terrorism. Polling cell phone users is an act of terrorism.

SECRETARY RIDGE: We have the electronic codes in place at Homeland Security. Would you like to know the latest final vote count?

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Let’s slip some depleted uranium into Kerry’s podium. He’ll be bald by the end of the show.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: He’ll be DEAD by the end of the show. Ha ha ha.

PRESIDENT BUSH: You should’ve done that to John Edwards. He kicked your butt.

KARL ROVE: I thought your ticker was going to go there, Dick. I had Rudy ready to run for you. Still do.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Go fuck yourself, Karl. I beat him fair and square.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Yes, it was a stunning victory for grumpy old men everywhere. Except the ones that lost their social security.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Hey, both you guys are now on a leash. As usual, I’ve had to take things into my own hands. So I’ve brought in my own advisor for Friday's debate.

MEL GIBSON: Shalom, gentlemen.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: You here to make another snuff film, Mel?

KARL ROVE: George, what are you doing?

ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT: Praise Jesus. Our prayers are answered.

PRESIDENT BUSH: We have it all worked out.

MEL GIBSON: First, I want to say what an honor it is to be here with you all.

ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT: Where’s Tiny Tuna? I hoped you’d bring her.

MEL GIBSON: Tiny Tuna?

ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT: You know, the negro gospel singer who’s in your films. The one who beat up her husband.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: That’s Tina Turner, you idiot.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Homeland Security's files show Tina Turner didn’t beat up her husband, but that she could now.

ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT: We were hoping she'd sign on to our Christian crusade for motorcycle safety.

MEL GIBSON: My cinematographers and I are ready to handle this next debate.

KARL ROVE: Oh? Really?

MEL GIBSON: Yes. President Bush will enter wearing a crown of thorns.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: I think that’s a great idea. But you know, a crown of thorns can be really painful for someone with his head so far up his…

MEL GIBSON: We also have some cosmetic applications to make it appear as if his palms are bleeding.

KARL ROVE: We did that already at the Republican Convention. It was very subtle. I’m not sure we can pull it off at the national debates.

PRESIDENT BUSH: There’s not going to be a goddam debate.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Have you been consulting with Jack Daniels again, George?

MEL GIBSON: So George walks in with the crown of thorns and the bleeding palms and we black out the studio and that’s it.

KARL ROVE: That’s it?

MEL GIBSON: I’ve actually got some pretty powerful music for backgrounding.

ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT: Praise the Lord! Our prayers are answered!!

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: And how do you propose to black out the networks?

SECRETARY RIDGE: Homeland Security can do that, Dick. We'd love to test out our systems.

PRESIDENT BUSH: And we can blame it on Saddam Hussein.

KARL ROVE: And then what? What happens after the networks go black?

PRESIDENT BUSH: This is where it gets really good. Tell him, Mel.

MEL GIBSON: We have a special version of "The Passion." We punch it in on all the networks and they won't be able to take it off. We'll bill it as a major miracle.

ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT: And a miracle it will be! Praise Jesus!!

PRESIDENT BUSH: Right. Right. And tell him the best part, Mel.

MEL GIBSON: Well, in this special version of "The Passion," we've dubbed in George's face and voice.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: As who? Mary Magdalene?

MEL GIBSON: No, of course not. As Jesus.

ALL: Prolonged silence.

KARL ROVE: Well, that'll certainly nail down the Jewish vote.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: It'll be a big help with Arab-Americans, too. Ha ha ha.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: I've got a better idea. Why don't you lock in "Heidi." Then dub Shirley Temple's head onto George's body. At least she knew something about foreign policy.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Don, what's gotten into you lately? This is hard work.

KARL ROVE: I feel sick.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: And who gave you this idea? Tiny Tuna?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Why should I debate again? It sends the wrong message to our troops. It sends the wrong message to the terrorists. I am the Lord’s messenger. The Holy War has begun.

ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT: Who would Jesus debate? WHO WOULD JESUS DEBATE?

KARL ROVE: It’s a nice idea in theory, George. But…

PRESIDENT BUSH: Karl, I’m not standing up there again with my earpiece falling out, taking questions from some pinko reporter, looking over at some damn liberal from Massachusetts. It’s demeaning to me, to the presidency, to the American people. Democracy means not having to answer to anybody.

ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT: The Lord will smite them. Let's electrocute John Kerry as he speaks. What a message that would send!

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right. Then that upstart Edwards can visit Paul Wellstone. We at Halliburton are not pleased. His private plane is gassed up. Ha ha ha.

KARL ROVE: George, I didn't want to raise this, but your mother called. She says you have to debate and you have to do better. And that means you have to study.

PRESIDENT BUSH: What…what did Poppy say? Did he say I have to debate too?

KARL ROVE: He said he thought Jeb could do a better job.

MEL GIBSON: Ooooh. That's harsh.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Gee, George, I love it when your lip curls and your eyes water up. Lets see your palms. Are they bleeding yet?

The full LEAKED SECRET TRANSCRIPTS FROM BUSH'S OVAL OFFICE, 2002-4, by Lee Waters, can be downloaded for free at www.freepress.org. This is satire. Any resemblance between these transcripts and actual White House meetings is highly unfortunate.

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