INDEPENDENT NEWS

Saddam Flushed WMD Stash Down Toilet

Published: Tue 16 Dec 2003 10:27 AM
Investigators say Saddam flushed WMD stash down toilet seconds before capture
Full-body cavity search yields hidden biological weapon.
Satire from freepressed.com
CAPTION: Trace materials found in Saddam's toilet bowl indicate toxic weapons may have disappeared down the commode forever.
Baghdad-- Details of the former dictator's arrest reveal that in the final moments before a raid on his hideout, Saddam Hussein likely disposed of valuable evidence that would have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he possessed weapons of mass destruction.
After an extensive interrogation of the captured former dictator, weapons experts are convinced that they missed catching him red handed by mere seconds.
"Darn the luck," cursed David Kay, director of the Iraq Survey Group tasked with finding the WMD which supposedly justified the war. "Wouldn't you know it. The proof we were looking for went right down the shitter--literally."
A leaked transcript of Saddam's interrogation provided more insight into what transpired just before US and Iraqi troops made the high profile bust.
"I was bagging up a kilo of anthrax when I saw the bushes rustling around through the window, and I was all, 'That's strange I don't have any bushes,'" a chatty Saddam Hussein told US interrogators.
"I just knew something was going down. I don't know how. Call me psycho. So I grabbed all of the anthrax, VX and botulinum toxin I had stockpiled in my compound and stuffed them into the toilet.
"After about the third flush I heard the door bust open and I was like, 'Dude!,' so I started scarfing down weaponized strains of influenza as fast as I could.
"It was a total bummer to waste all of that prime product. Do you know how much that stuff is worth on the black market, man?"
CAPTION: Saddam's weapons production laboratory was crude but effective, capable of manufacturing thousands of doses a day.
Despite the failure to find actual chemical, biological and nuclear weapons, US officials say large amounts of WMD paraphernalia were found at the site.
"We found vials, scales, aluminum tubes and other equipment that suggest that a weapons production program was either operational or could have been operational in a short period of time," Kay said.
Hussein explained that all of the equipment was purchased legally and can be used for various other purposes besides producing weapons of mass destruction.
Investigators argued that he could be convicted if it can be proven that he purchased those "dual use" items with the intent to use them for illegal purposes.
"Come on man. You can't be serious," Hussein protested. "If you're going to bust me for that you might as well make it illegal to own an aluminum can. I've seen dudes make them into centrifuges when nothing else was handy."
Officials noted also that neighborhood residents reported seeing Hussein pushing WMD on the street corner on numerous occasions.
CAPTION: Witness accounts indicate that Hussein dealt in large and small quantities of WMD depending on demand.
"Oh yeah, he was out there every night with his crew," said Zaheda Al Hamdi, who witnessed the transactions from her stoop. "He didn't care who they were, he'd sell it to anyone; Islamic extremists, Sunni separatists, small children. As long as they paid cash he didn't care."
Investigators said there was enough evidence at the scene and from witnesses to conduct the full-body cavity search.
Officials said the search produced some startling conclusions.
"During the anal cavity search of Mr. Hussein we encountered what can only be described as a biological weapon," Kay said, snickering. "Believe me. If he would have dropped that dirty bomb we would have had to evacuate the whole area."
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