Ashcroft To White House: "We're Still Buds, Right?

Ashcroft To White House: "We're Still Buds, Right?"

Washington, D.C.--Worried that the Justice Department's investigation of the White House will jeopordize his status in the Bush administration's self-described "cabal," Attorney General John Ashcroft is trying to distance himself from the widening "Leakgate" scandal.

The Pentacostal zealot from Missouri has not forgotten that it was Bush that gave him a second chance in politics following his electoral defeat by a dead man when seeking reelection to his Senate seat in the 2000 election.

Ever since his appointment to the top post in the Justice Department by the President he has worked tirelessly to ingratiate himself with the Bush administration by stifling dissent with ominous warnings comparing it to treason and leading the assault on the Bill of Rights with the Patriot Act.

“I was a nobody, a big fat zero before GW picked me out of the crowd to join his elite team of cabinet members. A couple of years ago I was part of that group of nerds, the "Singing Senators," now I'm hanging around with the in-crowd of American politics," he said. "I'm not about to let some career bureaucrat in the Justice Department take that away from me."

CAPTION: In addition to having his nose firmly nestled between President Bush's butt cheeks, Ashcroft's past business relationship with Karl Rove has been revealed as yet another conflict of interest.

Ashcroft has made every effort to let the President know where his allegiances lie, even giving the White House a 24-hour head start on destroying documents related to the leak.
“I just wanted Bush and everyone to know that even though my agency is investigating their actions that I'm still down with them," he said. "Plus, we were all planning on going out for pizza and bowling that evening and I was afraid they would have to cancel if they were going to be shredding documents all night."
In another attempt to remain on the A-list of Bush appointees, Ashcroft was caught passing notes to the President with the correct answers to investigators' questions.
"Look, everyone knows that Bush needs help articulating even the most basic concepts," career Justice Department Investigator Charles Tucker said. "When we read the President's responses to our questions and they were actually coherent we knew something was fishy. Another red flag was that the responses were neatly typed out whereas the President customarily scribbles everything in crayon."

CAPTION: Robert Novak is a tool.

Democrats have cited the cozy relationship between the President and his attorney general when arguing for the appointment of a special counsel to investigate the matter. However the President said that was unnecessary.

"If I tell him to be objective and disregard my influence over his every waking thought and action, then that's what he'll do," the President assured reporters. "You see, I'm the President, so that means people do what I tell them to do."

Bush went even further in his statements by turning the tables on those suggesting that a member of his administration sacrificed national security assets for purely political motives. But by doing so the President severed the last remaining thread connecting him to anything even remotely resembling reality.

"I'll tell you what jeopardizes our national security,” he responded. "Investigating the White House for something as trivial as blowing the cover of a CIA agent who was working to prevent the sale of weapons of mass destruction to terrorists when my administration is in the middle of a war on terror to keep evil doers from attacking us with unconventional weapons."

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