Bush Blames Nation's Wildlife For Eastern Blackout

CAPTION: A terrorist cell of wild caribou roaming the mountains of the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve in Alaska will be one of the first targets of Operation Furry Fury.

ANWR, AK. -- Gail Norton, the controversial head of the department of the interior, is leading a crack team of Navy SEALs with animal experts Jack Hanna and the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, into Alaska to track down a rogue band of animals that the Bush administration is blaming for the recent power outage.

Operation Furry Fury will target those responsible for the terrorist act perpetrated by endangered species from the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve (ANWR) in Alaska. The electrical outage caused by the attack was the worst blackout in US history shutting down power to seven northeastern States and Canada. Vice President Dick Cheney said the United States has no choice but to invade the federally protected land in Alaska to stop the terrorists from striking again.

"Be assured that we will prevail in this endeavor," he said. "I have already authorized my former company, Halliburton, to drill for oil in ANWR to ensure that we never ever run out of energy, or at least not for a few more years."

CAPTION: New Yorkers were forced to walk home from work when the subways and trains came to a halt after the terrorist attack by wild animals on the power grid.

Norton held a press conference Monday to reveal photographs taken from within the electrical grid’s control center. The stills showed a spotted owl, caribou, polar bear and other wildlife usually found in ANWR breaking into the grid maintenance facility and shutting down power.

Despite the undisputed proof of the involvement of ANWAR wildlife in the attack, environmental groups oppose the invasion of one of America's most pristine wildlife refuges and are particularly suspicious of plans to drill oil wells as part of the operation.

"How convenient for Cheney and the rest of the oil men and women in the Bush administration that the animal terrorists responsible just happen to be from ANWR--the place they've been wanting to drill in for the last 50 years," said Tierra Jenkins of the Sierra Club. "I'm being sarcastic. I think this is a load of BS."

The White House responded.

“Basically, we don’t think anything oil companies want should be off the table,” said White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. “We’d put a well on your ass if we thought it would provide the sweat nectar of crude oil. You know how when you want something and you can’t have it, how it makes you want it more. Well, that’s kind of how it is with the wildlife refuge.”

A plan shot down last fall entailed drilling on an “itsy bitsy, teeny weenie ten square miles of the land,” said Gale Norton in her best Betty Boop voice. “America is so big and strong. Daddy will let us drill in the big bad wild life refuge won’t he?” she asked.

Norton sheepishly admitted months later that the 10 miles didn’t include 10,000 miles of road that would have to be built to bring the oil across the plains of the wild life refuge.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that part," she said.

CAPTION: The Arctic National Wildlife Reserve will serve as the battleground when the US military goes up against migrating bands of geese, caribou and salmon.

According to the Department of Homeland Security, animals ripped out wires, disconnected switches and a polar bear scrawled “ANWAR This!” on the wall before leaving.

“These dirty animals will do anything to circumvent our mad propensity to drill for oil. Gold, I tell you, it’s gold,” said deputy of the interior and ex-shell executive Ritchie Halderbrik.

Gail Norton contacted animal experts Jack Hannah and Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin to join their mission north towards the artic circle.

“The pantatolue wombat lives in the wildlife refuge, they are a docile creature but they can spit poison from 50 feet. I can’t wait to try and wrestle one to the ground,” said Irwin overexcitedly.

“People are still surprised that I’m alive,” added Jack Hanna.

The squad is expected to arrive in the wildlife refuge early next week.

A group of ANWR animals met on a cold, windswept plain earlier in the week to discuss strategy in the battle to protect their homeland. The wild animals appeared furry and cute during their meeting but their conversation betrayed their harmless appearance.

"I don't think we should rule out suicide mauling," one polar bear was overheard saying.

- Contact freepressed@brentflynn.com with any comments, suggestions or smart-assed remarks.

© Scoop Media