Top 10 reasons I quit being a human shield in Iraq
1. Couldn't find a Starbucks, a Country Road, let alone a vegan restaurant in downtown Baghdad.
2. My first job was to wipe the blood splatters off the walls at the Ministry of Torture.
3. I was sent home after testing positive for performance-enhancing falafel.
4. I started to miss National Radio because the local radio stations weren't anti-American enough.
5. I got suspicious when I was assigned to a mosque where the minaret was referred to as "the launch pad".
6. I got sick of letters from Keith Locke telling me how excited he was when he met Pol Pot.
7. I was unsure about my posting to the Baghdad Teddy Bear and Anthrax Corporation.
8. I was humiliated by losing to female human shields in the moustache-growing competition.
9. Nowhere in Baghdad can make a decent flat white.
10. No fancy reason - I was just scared shitless.
Be brave and pass it on!
St Molesworth www.geocities.com/stmolesworth
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