Scoop Satire: Listen To Your Editors

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

"And the Lord sent to the Earth his exalted Editors, and the Editors spake to the people saying 'This is thus and thus is that.' And the people did know the word of God." - The Book of Rupert, chapter 7, verse 4.

We live in a complex and confusing age. Data and information of every sort from every source assaults us perpetually, and the process of successfully filtering this constant barrage to identify the information that is of use to each individual can be a perplexing task. Many do not cope successfully and fall prey to mental paralysis, or else simply refuse to believe anything that does not fit into their preconcieved worldview.

It for for these reasons that it has never been as important as it is now to listen to the people who are acknowledged as experts in every field and on every subject. I am talking about editors.

Almost every periodical publication, from magazines to poetry journals to newspapers contains a variant of what you are reading now. The opinions and thoughts of the person who was hired to piece that particular publication together, and lo - our numbers are legion. What's more, every single one of us is absolutely right. Period.

That this is so is obvious enough. Yet a recent study shows a disturbing downward trend in the numbers of people who not only read editorials, but acknowledge the essential infallibility of the people writing them. In a democratic society, this an unacceptable state of affairs.

It is a proven fact that editors are among the most emotionally stable and intellectually sound members of society, and anyone who dare says different is a fucking liar and doesn't have the first goddamned idea of what the fuck they're on about. If they did, they'd be editors: Quid pro pro.

That's a latin term. I know this because I am an editor. If you didn't know that this was a latin term, then that's ok. Just don't bother applying for a job as an editor, because you're obviously not smart enough.

But I digress. The point I am making here is that you stupid bastards are a lot of stupid bastards who have hitherto shown scant respect for your editors as they strive heroically to explain the world in words-wot-you-can-read-easy to help you understand why it is you agree with whatever it is we're saying.

It's not as if we get any thanks for it either. Oh no. Instead we get letters from people who are most obviously not editors thinking that they have the right to take exception to things that we saw fit to print. And yet editors, in countless selfless acts of magnanimity and objectivity, nevertheless publish these odious scrawlings of non-editors. For only then is it possible for the readers who know their place and revere us as the uber-minds we are to see at what exalted heights above the paltry preoccupations and intellectual travesties of the retarded masses (that's you) that we exist.

Sometimes people ask me "Felix - Are you the smartest guy in town?"

"No my child" I reply chuckling softly. "For I am but one of many who have been called and chosen to guide you. And tho we may differ in our perspective, rest easy little one, for every single one of us is always absolutely right. Period."

Get the picture, dumbo? I'm right. You're wrong. And how do we know this? Because I have a column of blank space in which to write whatever the hell I like. It's pretty obvious. Now get the hell out of my sight you fucking cretins.

Love, Light, & Shade
Felix Fallax

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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