ScoopSatire: Innovative US Environmental Scheme

Scoop is publishing satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

In a move that US officials hope will stem growing criticism of their governments’ refusal to ratify the Kyoto protocols regarding greenhouse gas emissions, the US Environmental Protection Agency has unveiled an innovative new plan that could see up to 10,000 new trees a year added to US stocks.

The scheme calls for the demolition of old wooden buildings, with the wood retained from demolition then being recycled in the construction of new trees which will be used as ‘carbon-sink collateral’ in future carbon-emission negotiations. Officials predict some 10,000 new trees per annum rolling off the construction line by 2003.

State officials announced that aviation company Mcdonnell-Douglas has been awarded the contract to build the trees. A company spokesdroid said that to ensure the commercial viability of the venture, the new tree, named the X-Pine 35, will have a dual-use capacity. This will involve giving the trees all-terrain wheel-bases, 500 horsepower engines, and medium-range missile launchers within their upper foliage. Negotiations are also underway with an undisclosed source for the trees to have soft-drink dispensers built into their trunks. The US army has ordered in advance 875 of the new trees, which they say will be deployed to ‘both beautify and protect US strategic and aesthetic interests at home and abroad.’

Some army officials are concerned however that the trees may be tempting targets for would-be attackers, and have requested Mcdonnell-Douglas to come up with a suitable camouflage scheme to ensure the trees blend in suitably with surrounding terrain. An alternative proposal being investigated is for the trees to be fitted out with sensor-dependent heavy machine guns which would fire automatically upon any unauthorised approach.

When informed of the plan, US President George Bush flopped onto the edge of his Oval Office desk, clapped his hands enthusiastically, and caught a fish in his mouth. Advisors say that the president has now caught eighteen fish in a row, a new presidential record.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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