Scoop Satire: “Stop me before I run again!”

Scoop is publishing satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

A desperate phone-call to the Parliamentary Electoral Office by outcast Reliance leader Jim ‘Jim’ Anderton has increased concerns for his safety as his whereabouts remain unknown this evening.

Office staff member Janet Reno received the call from the deputy Prime Minister at 1.12pm this afternoon. Alarmed at his agitated manner and incoherent speech, Reno summoned Electoral Office acting manager Tania Muffet. Anderton, however, refused to speak with her. It was at this point that an Electoral Office Negotiating Team (EONT) was called in to reason with the Wigram MP.

EONT officer: Alright Jim, it’s ok, everything’s ok. Now Jim…Jim – are you there Jim? (silence) Jim, I need you to talk to me here. (silence)You’ve got to help me if I’m going to can help you, ok? Jim?

Anderton: They…betrayyyyed me (heavy breathing)

EONT officer: Who Jim? Who betrayed you?

Anderton: That….man and…all of them…They all betrayed me…and now…

EONT officer: And now what Jim?

Anderton: Nothing. (chuckles) You’ll find out…you’ll all see soon enough…(sighs deeply) I once watched a…snail…slide along the edge of a…razor…among a…pile…of children’s severed arms…(angrily) All Helen’s horses and all Helen’s men…Dost thou understand me man?

EONT officer: Ok Jim, I don’t know if I’m sure what you’re saying here. Is there something you’re not telling me Jim?

Anderton: It was me…It was me. Don’t you see? I did it. I did it!

EONT officer: Did what Jim? What did you do?

Anderton: I introduced the bill. And now no one can leave…(softly) No one can leave…(sings) Mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice, and she said “We are all just prisoner’s here of our own device…”

EONT officer: You’re talking about the party-hopping bill?

Anderton: (impatiently) Yes yes, what else? (sighs) The tempest in my mind doth from my senses take all feeling else save what beats there…(sobbing) You see me here, you gods, a poor old man, as full of grief as age; wretched in both…(angrily) A minister’s life is as cheap as beast’s!

EONT officer: Easy Jim, easy. Now I need you to listen to me. Can you tell me where you are Jim? Where are you right now.

Anderton: Here. There. (laughter) I’m the Minister of Everywhere (laughter)…I can’t help myself…(weakly) Please help me…please…

EONT officer: We want to Jim, we want to help you.

Anderton: I’m going to do it…you’ve got to stop me. You don’t understand – I…I…(sobbing) Please help me…(wails) Oh God, Oh God…

EONT officer: Jim? Speak to me Jim?

Anderton: I’m going to run again, do you hear me? In one party two parties ten parties a hundred parties. I don’t care! I’m going to run again and again…Oh God no! Not the voices, not the voices…(breathlessly) You’ve got to stop me! You’ve got to stop me before I run again!

EONT officer: Jim!

Anderton: (shouting) It’s too late! (laughter) I’m going to get re-elected and there’s nothing anyone can do about it! You hear? (laughter) Nothing!

Anderton hung up the phone at this point, too soon for the Electoral Office Rapid Response Unit to get a trace on his location.

Opposition parties were quick to seize on Anderton’s behaviour as a clear indicator of ‘mental instability’. However, Prime Minister Helen Clurk moved quickly to address speculation that the Labourious/Reliance coalition was close to collapse, asking a gathered press gallery to look closely into her eyes…

“You are getting sleepy” she said, “So very sleepy…that’s it, so very sleepy…yes. Now – listen carefully…”

After the press conference journalists had nothing but praise for the way Clurk handled the potential crisis, and initiated a petition calling for her to be made Prime Minister for life.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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