Scoop Satire: Do Away With 'Archaic' Calendar

Published: Tue 28 Aug 2001 09:53 AM
EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.
Do Away With 'Archaic' Gregorian Calendar - Curdled
The current Gregorian calendar system is 'archaic, inefficient, costly, and couter-productive to the rigorous demands of a new millenium."- that's the claim of Business Round Trough Chairman Roger Curdled
Speaking at a luncheon for Guys With More Money Than God, Curdled called for the current calendar system, last reformed by Gregory XIII in the sixteenth century, to be abolished, and a system introduced that numbered the days of the year in chronological order from 1 to 365.
"It is an all too typical irrational absurdity" said Curdled. "Of what relevance is the hobbyhorse of a non-secular tyrant in our free-spirited, dynamic age? It is precisely this grasping to historical hand-holds, so characteristic of welfare apologists, that yet prevents us from re-making the world in our own image."
Citing the infficiency of the Gregorian system, Mr Curdled questioned the "time-consuming' aspects of the current calendar.
"Take a date, say Tuesday the seventeenth of August. Under the new system that would simply become 229. Orally, that's a saving of at least four syllables, or, when written, an estimated saving of 1.25 seconds every time whenever this date is recorded. Over the course of a business year, we estimate a total of anywhere between 420 to 550 seconds potentially - in excess of six minutes - can be saved per individual.
“Apply this to the administration costs of a company with 100 employees and you're looking at horrific annual losses in productivity - depending on how low we can get the minimum wage of course. And that's not even taking ink costs into account. Alternatively, saying something as simple as 'Meet me on Wednesday week' uses up an extra 0.15 seconds compared to saying 'Meet me 115'. Again, the combined losses are significant."
Dismissing arguments that the Gregorian notational method is as time-efficient as the proposed new system as "uninformed, irrational, and missing the entire point anyway", Mr Curdled said that the government had a responsibility to shareholders, foreign investors, the IMF, the WTO, the World Bank, GATT, NAFTA, and the "hard working people of New Zeal Inc - well, some of them anyway", to abolish the old calendar and send an "exciting message to the market that, despite the change in government, New Zeal Inc remained committed to the reform process, and that reforms will continue to continue continuing for the foreseeable future."
"The times thay are a changing," he concluded. "We cannot afford to miss this doubleplus-good opportunity to stamp our footprint into the face of human history."
Government To Investigate Possibilities Of Curdled Calendar
The new Ministry of Time announced that it would be setting up a defect committee to investigate the possibilities of implementing the newly proposed Curdled calendar in time for the year 2002. A spokeshuman said that an "independent consultancy team-unit would first proactively investigate all the possi-relevant issues surroundificating the matter.
"Then it's just a question of getting a minister to mention it in passing, shove an article on page seven of the daily rags, commission some soothing editorials, and pass it through the house under urgency at 3am. Luckily, this country's collective consciousness has the consistency of cream-cheese so we don't forsee any problems."
- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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