Fractured Christmas

Fractured Christmas

Some people will be dreading Christmas. Christmas is not meant to hurt but for many people it does. People die, fortunes falter and relationships
fail, and Christmas may bring these losses back to us with awful freshness.

If the last 12 months have been really tough for you, here are some tips for getting through Christmas.

1. Be kind, especially to yourself
This is not the year to organise a Christmas dinner for 50 people. Treat yourself gently. Of course, reengaging with normal family life will be cathartic and healing after a loss but do it at your own pace. Gently bounce requests with, “Thanks, but I don’t think I’m up for it yet.” People get over losses at different rates: your kids and other family members might be ready to join in with things far sooner, or more slowly, than you; as much as you can, leave a bit of ‘slack’ in your planning to work around individual responses.

2. Expect to be triggered
Despite planning and bracing yourself, expect to be ambushed at some stage during the day by uninvited emotions. Christmas triggers memories and feelings. The adults in your world will probably sympathise, especially if you give them a heads-up: “I’m expecting a great Christmas, but if I have to duck outside for a quick howl, you’ll understand, won’t you.”

3. Ceremonies help

There is something very human and very healing in ceremonies; it might become something you want to do every year. It might be visiting a gravesite with flowers on Christmas Eve, lighting a candle in memory of someone, or remembering them in a toast, a poem or in a prayer. If you cannot trust your own voice to stay steady doing something like this, ask a friend or relative to say a few words – odds on, they will be honoured.

4. Kids can handle your honesty if they can see your courage

You can credit your children with already knowing this Christmas is going to be different and tough, so talk to them about it before Christmas day. “You might see me get a bit upset, but I am pushing on and we are going to cope.” You don’t have to pretend that you are not upset – that gives permission for them to acknowledge their own emotions – but being the ‘big person’ in their world means that we also need to model to them courage, resilience and a mature way to handle tough times. “Yes, I miss him too. At times my feelings swell up inside and I feel terrible, but it passes and I can carry on. If you start feeling terrible, you can always tell me and get a hug, and I know you will get through too.”

5. Don’t be offended if your kids act like kids
By definition, children are immature, so do not expect them to handle big life events like bereavements and family break-ups with adult-style maturity. If they get excited about presents and parties, then just be happy for them. If they get moody, grumpy and selfish, then realise that you could be witnessing childlike grief: they are feeling strong emotions but they don’t know what to do with it. Kids have a more limited ‘emotional vocabulary’ so they feel things but don’t know how to express those feelings appropriately. Sometimes they feel like they should put on a ‘brave face’ but it may appear like they are being flippant. They also grieve in bursts: at times they seem to get over things so rapidly they seem callous but the emotions can come rushing back on them later on. It’s not just children: adults can sometimes say and do inappropriate things as well. Smile and thank them – they probably meant well – and plan to give them a much smaller present next year!

6. Focus on what you have

In malls at Christmas time you will see smiling faces, happy families and people who seem to have lots of money. If life has dealt you some rough blows this year, those sights will be like rubbing salt in your wounds. One of the secrets of a happy life is to focus with gratitude on the things you do have rather than on things you are missing. It might be your friends or your kids or family or health – it would have to have been an exceptionally rotten year for you to have lost everything! It will take an investment of energy to push back against a very natural inclination to be jealous and have a pity-party, but it does pay a dividend of contentment.

7. Plan the day

In fact, plan the whole Christmas season, especially making sure that Christmas day itself is not too busy or crowded. Rather than shuttling from place to place, make the most of Christmas Eve, Boxing Day and the other days around Christmas to spend extended, more relaxed periods of time with those you want to. Your kids will prefer not to spend the day commuting, too. Be assertive – you don’t have to fit in with other peoples’ plans if they don’t suit you. “Thanks for the invitation but this year I can’t handle too much rushing around. I’d far rather come over on Boxing Day and help you eat the leftovers.”

8. Call a truce with your ex
The first Christmas after a breakup is hard, especially if children have to be shuffled between parents. Christmas Day is not the day for settling scores or arguing. As much as possible, sort things like where children are going to be well in advance. Factor in a ‘grace margin’ around times: even if your ex intends to be punctual with drop-offs and pick-ups, things often fail to run to time on Christmas Day. Even better, as mentioned above, it might be kinder on everyone (including yourself) to not shuttle the kids around on December 25: Christmas is so big it can smear out over several days.

9. You can do things differently

You might have new circumstances so it might be time to try some new Christmas traditions that suit you better. Christmas changes in families as kids get older anyway.

10. Don’t feel bad about enjoying yourself
All anniversaries, such as birthdays, wedding anniversaries or the date someone died, and significant times like Christmas, are difficult times when there is a missing face from your family circle. The nature of grief is that the sting fades to an ache that comes and goes, with increasing periods when you are surprised to find that life is not too bad after all. If you find yourself having a good time on Christmas day, great! If you have lost someone, it is what they would have wished for you, and if life has dealt you a cruel blow during the year, this proves that you are recovering from it well.

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