F.A.R.T. Poetry Winners Announced

Published: Tue 18 Nov 2003 02:59 PM
18 November 2003 PR 233/03
F.A.R.T. Poetry Winners Announced
Congratulations to Henry Paton and Wendy Clark, winners of the Fight Against Ridiculous Taxes (F. A. R. T.) poetry competition.
"This all started from a song by Ross Agnew called the Fart Tax Blues. After all the radioplay and television coverage there emerged a poetic response from the Minister of Agriculture Jim Sutton," said Tom Lambie, President, Federated Farmers of New Zealand (Inc)
"The challenge was laid and the call went out to the farming community of New Zealand to come up with their own poetic expressions of what they thought about the proposed F.A.R.T tax."
"The Federation received over 30 literary efforts showing a depth of imagination inspired by the Government's now defeated agricultural emissions levy or F.A.R.T. tax.
"The quality of entries to the competition was impressive, although there were a few unfit for publication", said Mr Lambie.
First prize of a $50 book voucher and FFNZ vest went to Henry Paton of Palmerston in Otago for "May As Well Tax Sleep".
Second prize of a FFNZ vest went to Wendy Clark from Pukekohe for "Ode to the Minister of hallowed Climate Change".
Entries were judged by Virginia Goldblatt, a former senior lecturer of English at Massey University in Palmerston North.
May As Well Tax Sleep
By Henry Paton
We farmers all are hayseeds
We pay the nation's bills
Our opinions do not matter
We live out in the hills
We have no sophistication,
Can't rate cosmetic smells
And are always sitting targets
For MP's evil spells
They tax the wool, they tax the meat,
They tax the milk and fruits
We must pay rates, they tax my dog
And even my gumboots.
This we take and that we bear
Like a frog in heating water
But Pete and Helen have come up
With our eventual slaughter
Taxes fell on finite things
That we could fairly measure
But now, unseen, invisibles
Focus their taxing pleasure
Who passed the silent killer?
Was it cow or deer or sheep?
No one knows, we can not tell
You may as well tax sleep
So Arderntly we protest
A taxation so unfair
Your stupidity Pete and Hel
We really cannot bear.
We farmers all are hayseeds
We pay the nations bills
Our opinions do not matter
We live out in the hills
Ode to the Minister of Hallowed Climate Change
By Wendy Clark
One windy day in Wellington
The farmers marched to town,
And when Pete Hodgson tried to speak
The farmers cried him down.
They chanted chants, not all in time,
They sang some stirring songs.
They warned, "Fart smart, or not at all"
And "Pete's proposal pongs."
Shane Ardern mounted Myrtle
Up consecrated ground.
It seems that was disorderly,
Or so the Speaker found.
Now Shane on Myrt has been to Court.
"Not guilty," did he claim.
"If Tizz can drive a tractor there,
Then I can do the same."
So surely you might ask yourself
Why all the fuss and foil?
Why does such a piddling tax
Bring farmers to the boil?
Farms with trees could well admire
A Government so deft
That it blames for bad emissions
While engaged in credit theft.
The wool producers should be GLAD
To subsidise the rest.
Who cares if they have LESS sheep now
While Dairy is MORE blessed?
And wetlands aren't a problem
Though they make methane too.
Wetlands aren't the same as cows
Because they do not moo.
It really is quite logical
And farmers just insane
To think they shouldn't shoulder
This nation's share of blame.
The research is convenient.
It shows we're doing "our bit",
And better still, the Queen of Farts
May be a UN hit.
Or, if you are the Minister
Of Hallowed Climate Change,
A teeny weeny knighthood
Might not be out of range.
Pete is talking compromise,
We're all supposed to cheer.
He says he will not "legislate"
If farmers "volunteer".
Gerry, climb back on your bus,
It's not all over yet.
Pete may snarl, "Eckhoff, you runt,"
But we won't fund this debt.
We're sick of hearing Petey say,
"We're doing this for youse."
We're sick of hearing Petey say,
"Whichever way - you lose."
That windy day in Wellington
The march was quite a buzz.
We might get out and march again,
Whatever Petey does.

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