Ask Mary Xmas
An Advice Column For The Season
Stressing over what to buy, make or send your loved ones this Christmas? Who to invite for Christmas Dinner? Where to go
for your holidays? Relax!! Ask Mary Xmas in our new weekly column!! Send email to MaryXmas@scoop.co.nz
Dear Mary
I’m depressed. My kids’ve been hassling me for months about getting them a computer and I promised Santa would deliver,
but I just got sacked because I forgot how to do my job properly, so we’re not gonna have much money. Besides, I’m a
techno-idiot, so I’m worried about what they might get up to on the internet. Is there a cheap computer anywhere that
can be really easily controlled by someone as dumb as me?
Doleful Dad, Rotorua
Dear Doleful Dad
Don’t get down – get along to the police auction, where they dispose of stolen goods at no reserve. There were plenty of
computers in their latest haul, and you’re guaranteed that the combined intelligence of several countries at least will
be keeping close tabs on their every keystroke.
MX
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Dear Mary
This year is our first Christmas alone since the last of the kids left home. Hubby and I decided to go tramping together
to “get away from it all.” As we’re getting on in years we can’t carry much, and it’ll also be our first time alone in
the bush. For his Xmas present, I can’t decide between buying him a Swiss Army Knife, which is nice and small and could
be very handy for all sorts of things, or a map, which is lighter and might also save our lives if we get lost. Which
would you suggest?
Worried Wife on the Way to Waikaremoana
Dear Worried Wife
It’s perfectly obvious! Forget the map – you won’t need it! Just buy the knife and flash it around a lot, especially
when talking about politics or politicians. Although you may feel as if you are alone, your presents will be attracting
plenty of attention, so you can count on an escort turning up eventually, wherever you may lose or find yourself.
MX
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Dear Mary
My girlfriend and I always go away for a few days together after Christmas. Because we both read a lot we give each
other books for Xmas to take along, but where I prefer post-modern fiction, she is a history nut. Every year she
complains about the book I gave her, and nags me the whole time so I can’t even enjoy my book, which of course is always
the perfect choice. So this year I want to totally surprise her. Any ideas?
Jack-in-the-Box, Titahi Bay.
Dear Jack
You could go for a relatively boring bestseller, like the Pictorial History of World War II, but if she’s into New
Zealand history perhaps you should try to find a rare edition, like Pat Hohepa’s work on Maori land laws. You might have
to search a bit harder for this, but the rewards are sure to be greater than the effort. You could always try Trade Me -
who knows, you may even hit the jackpot, and win her a bonus week at Arohata Spa. At least that way you’ll get to read
YOUR book in peace...
MX
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Dear Mary,
My seven year old grand-daughter is a fanatic follower of fashion. She’s had a hard time lately – her favourite tshirt
was ripped off her back and taken away by a violent stranger. Some distant relatives have invited her for a skiing
holiday to help her get over it, and she wants me to knit her a nice warm balaclava to take with her, but in the same
camouflage pattern as the tshirt was. I feel this might remind her too much of the trauma. What other colour or pattern
could I knit that would be just as fashionable this year?
Granny, Ruatoki
Dear Granny
Green is definitely out – she might be mistaken for the IRA, or an environmentalist. Avoid red - definitely a commie
colour, so is pink. Yellow could definitely be perilous, and anything with checks risks her being considered a
thinly-disguised suicide-bomber. Black has too-obvious links to the peaceful Zapatistas, and along with brown, is best
kept for shirts these days. Whilst lavender seems okay at first glance, she is a girl after all and lavender was the
colour favoured by well-known femino-terrorist Kate Sheppard, so is perhaps better avoided. Blue could see her arrested
for impersonating an armed offenders’ squad member, which really only leaves white. Although this may appeal, given her
age and circumstances, it is also the colour of the feather at Parihaka.....So terrorbly sorry I can’t help, Granny, I
think we might have to throw this one over to our readers.
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Dear Mary
My aunty really likes the Royal Family, and she just LOVES reading New Zealand Woman’s Day. Me and my cousins were going
to put all our pocket money together and buy her a year’s subscription for Xmas. Is that a good idea?
Wondering, Aro Valley.
Dear Wondering
It depends on where you and your cousins plan on spending Christmas. I suggest you look at pages 6-7 of the October 29,
2007 issue (see below) before financing a terrorist publication. A word of warning – do NOT try to imitate this at home,
even under parental supervision...unless your father happens to be Roy, Al, or the New Zealand Prime Minister, who now
decides who can and can’t play this game.
MX
ENDS