INDEPENDENT NEWS

Republicans Test 'Rapture Weapon' on Democrats

Published: Mon 8 Nov 2004 05:51 PM
Republicans Test 'Rapture Weapon' on Democrats
By Douglas O'Rourke - Absurd Press Writer
WASHINGTON, Nov 3, 2004 ( AbsurdPress.com) -- An evangelical web site has posted a story claiming the near-complete Republican sweep of Democrats on Election Day was actually the first public use of a top secret Pentagon weapons program reportedly called ENDAYS.
The so-called 'Rapture Weapon,' its very existence a national secret, is said to be space-based and reportedly has the power to end all life on earth or, at lesser settings, change the outcome of human events, make prayer legal in public schools, and battle Satan wherever he appears on Earth.
The Rapture is the belief held by some fundamentalists and Administration Officials that the end of the world is almost here, that Jesus is about to return to Earth and rescue the faithful, and then everybody else, especially in the Blue States, will be destroyed in a grand ethnic cleansing. True believers would then enter Heaven, finally free of the liberal media.
The Evangelical Christian web site "endblog.com" was first to claim that Pentagon Satan Defense Initiative funds were redirected to make an actual beam weapon, which was able to target just over six million potential Kerry voters at 7:12 AM EST Election Day with the imprinted memory message, "Relax, stay home, it's in the bag.....Forget...Forget..."
Oddly enough, many key Democrats reached this morning believed the world had indeed ended.
Hospitals across the country report liberals crowding ER's with various symptoms of chronic depression and stress that were quickly dubbed "Post Traumatic Bush Disorder." Symptoms include night sweats, nausea, loss of will to live, and brain freeze due to compulsive ice cream intake.
White House press spokesman Matt Drudge directed reporters to question those behind the "endblog.com" story. "You quote some loony web site without even checking it?" Drudge went on, "Implying we could simply make six million people disappear just isn't supported by history."
The "endblog.com" site included links to what appears to be top secret Halliburton/NASA plans for such a system, with very detailed drawings. The 'ENDAYS Weapon' shown is said to be run from a control bunker deep under the campus of a small university near Lynchburg, Virginia.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld dismissed the report at a Pentagon briefing. "Are there a lot of people today feeling lightning struck? Perhaps. Is this a result of any -- any reported secret U.S. weapon? No. Were a lot of folks completely wrong about the last four years? Apparently."
Pentagon sources won't confirm the ENDAYS System exists but said they "put nothing past that gang down at DARPA." The secretive Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), is the central research and development organization for the Department of Defense (DoD). Its new Director, Oliver North was unavailable but has been quoted as saying, "The War on Terror is a clear and present danger."
Secretary of Liberal Affairs, Ron Silver, laughed when asked if any force could so directly impact the election, "Rapture? Hardly, just a clear mandate it's time for everyone to support our President's coming victory in Iraq."
The only Democratic political activity seen nationally on Wednesday was around the "Sharpton2008" Headquarters which opened this morning in New York with the candidate kicking off his next Presidential run. "The Neocons will go too far, and they will be consumed in the fires of hubris. I'm a pastor and know something about hubris," the Reverend Al Sharpton said as he began accepting cash contributions from the 30 people present.
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