October Surprise: Hummer Giveaway Extravaganza!

Published: Fri 29 Oct 2004 11:51 AM
October Surprise: Hummer Giveaway Extravaganza!
"Freedom Guzzlers" to be given to every Bush voter at hundreds of official Hummer dealerships nationwide.
Hummer showrooms across the country have become official polling places as part of the Bush administration's Hummers-for-Votes scand...program.
Homeland, USA -- Undecided voters finally have a good reason to reelect President George W. Bush: free Hummers.
The Bush-Cheney 2004 campaign has teamed up with AM General, the division of General Motors that produces the vehicle, to offer this once in a lifetime special offer.
"There's no money down, 0% financing, and no monthly payments. All compliments of the GOP," explained Karl Rove. "You can vote as many times as you like, but please, only one Hummer per person."
With presidential tracking polls showing the race dead even just two weeks before the election, President Bush isn't leaving anything up to chance.
"This election is too important to put in the hands of citizen voters. This is a job for American consumers."
At his insistence, Congress even voted unanimously to rename the rugged off-road vehicles "Freedom Guzzlers."
"Our brave soldiers are fighting for our right to drive oversized, gas-guzzling, converted military vehicles," Bush said. "It stands to reason that every American outta have one. See, unlike my opponent, I don't subscribe to the soft bigotry of high gas mileage."
His strategy appears to be working.
So far record numbers have cast ballots during early voting. Tens of thousands of Americans who have no business voting are turning out in droves, and driving away in a new Hummer.
Classic Hummers in Grapevine, TX. is proud to do its part to reelect George W. Bush, and proud to be an official Freedom Guzzler dealer.
Sally Stevenson of Littleton, Miss. said this is a way for her to support the troops and George W. Bush at the same time.
"With the assault weapons ban lifted, driving a civilian version of the Humvee around Los Angeles is like driving through Baghdad in an unarmored transport vehicle. It makes me feel closer to our boys and girls in uniform," she said. "Plus I think our president is a godly man, who has done a wonderful job of protecting the homeland. Oh yeah, and Kerry's a flip-flopper."
There are some downsides to the Hummers-for-Votes initiative. For instance, road rage incidents have quadrupled in suburbs across the country.
Emboldened by the intimidating size of his supersized SUV, and confident in the righteousness of his presidential pick, Jay Moroney of Glendale, PA. rammed a hybrid Toyota through a guardrail, and over a bridge into a raging river basin.
"The America hater had a Kerry/Edwards sticker on the window. What was I supposed to do?"
Another cause for concern is the effect on the environment of unleashing so many vehicles on the road with such low gas mileage. Even more disturbing, several gas stations close to Hummer dealerships ran out of gasoline just hours after the promotion began, causing a riot in the quiet Phoenix suburb of Scottsdale, AZ.
Rove said these are minor setbacks that don't concern him.
"The important thing to remember is that now citizens have a reason to participate in this grand experiment we call American democracy."
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