Merry Christmas, Dubya - Love, the Pathetic Media

Published: Wed 24 Dec 2003 11:01 AM
Merry Christmas, Dubya - Love, the Pathetic Media
By W. David Jenkins III
I swear, if I hear one more idiot blaring at top volume and foaming at the mouth over the "liberal media" I'm gonna shoot my television. I both pity and loathe those who have irresponsibly succumbed to the misfortune of believing what they are told through that miserable squawk-box and the idiots with the blown-dry hair who act as nothing more than an empty extension of that device.
As luck (?) would have it, this little rant was interrupted by Bush coming out live to talk tough about Libya giving up and wanting to do whatever Bush wanted them to do.
Exactly what the hell is going on? What? Did James Baker take a little detour during his Strong-arming the Allies tour? Where did this come from? What? Did Saddam's arrest already run out of steam?
Oh, and George?
Who the hell is "Moo-mar?" Geez, now you even got that undie-twister Blitzer saying it! Good cover, dude! But, alas, I digress. There will be more on Libya and Moo-mar later - I promise.
So anyway, George, I think you owe the media one fat kissy-poo. They've been covering for you for the last three years plus. Oh, I know you've complained like a petulant child about not being able to get beyond the "filter of the media" but, really, George - they've bent over just about as far as they can. Besides, it's very uncomfortable for many of us to watch these alleged journalists broadcasting with their heads so far up their backsides that we can't see their elbows. Don't believe me? What about this past weekend for example?
The British press and various Internet news outlets (including the Drudge Report of all places!) come out with a little story about Hussein's arrest a week after it took place. It would seem that what happened isn't exactly what really happened. Can you say shades of Jessica Lynch, boys and girls? Sure, ah knew you could! But, once again, just like the Lynch story or the plastic turkey stealth mission - things aren't always what they seem.
According to several sources, those pesky Kurds had Saddam before we got to him. The Kurdish Patriotic Front already had Saddam after he had been turned in by an informant whose daughter had been raped by Saddam's son, Uday. So the KPF captured him, doped him up and then rang the dinner bell for American - er, coalition forces - ­to "bring 'em on!" Granted, there are conflicting versions of the story coming out, but it does sound like the way Bush does "bidness."
And, once again, the Bushies get caught with their pants down.
One would think this would be as big a story over here as it is over there but, son of a gun, mere hours after this one hit wouldn't ya know? Tom "Captain Crayola " Ridge would feel compelled to whip out his crayon and put us at code orange just in the nick-o-time? And wouldn't ya know? All the little American journalists came scurrying back from grazing in the fields to let people know all about the new color. Just in time!
C'mon, Georgie-boy, give em a big smooch-aroo! You have to admit, no one's talkin' about anything that could be embarrassing for you.
Just like when the British protesters were pulling a statue of you down when you went to London to visit the Queen. Few saw that one either because everybody was too busy watching an empty runway from the air while they waited for Michael Jackson's plane to land. Then they sat there for hours watching the roof of a minivan a la O.J. as it drove him to the sheriff's office. C'mon, ya little brat, ya got to admit that was awesome! Saved you a lot of embarrassment, right?
And speaking of Michael - isn't it great that he was formally charged on the same day that former governor, Thomas Kean, said that 9/11 could've been prevented? Remember him? The guy you appointed to an investigation you never wanted in the first place? Seems as though ol' Tom feels that you and those who serve you should've known there was a definitive threat. He even cited Condi's nonsense about not possibly being able to conceive "they would ever use airliners as weapons." Well, he and his gang seem to think that statement, and others like it are a bunch of bologna and so do we. So it was really lucky for you that the media felt it was more important to spend multiple hours dissecting Michael Jackson's formal charges rather than raise the question of your obvious irresponsibility that horrible day - and in the months before.
Since the day you snuck in the back door of the White House - also thanks to the media - you've been very lucky. Really, George, just how many times can a guy "hit the Trifecta?"
I mean, c'mon, Georgie-boy - remember when the NORC results from the election were due out? Originally, they were due the week of 9/11, so you really lucked out that week. But then they were due to be re-released on a Monday in November. To make matters worse, even the conservative Drudge Report headlined that Gore had won in six out of the nine scenarios considered by the investigation the Sunday before the release date. And then, low and behold, flight 587 falls out of the sky the same morning the results are being discussed on the media! I mean, just how fortunate can a guy get? But, yeah, I know that's old news.
So I've been watching today, waiting for the doped-up Saddam story to appear but they're still talking about code orange and what a great leader you are.
Y'know, George, you and others like you really need to stop perpetuating this myth about the liberal media. It obviously doesn't exist and, in all actuality, the media has really become your best friend. They have bent over backwards to insure that very few realize what a threat and a complete embarrassment you truly are. You and yours have messed up this country and the safety of the world completely and successfully.
Many Americans will celebrate the birth of your favorite philosopher while they huddle in terror and suspicion with their families in anticipation of the terrorists and the idiocy that is the color code warning system.
Remember, kids, (don't know where I heard this - maybe Robin Williams) but code orange means that you still spy on your neighbor like in code yellow - but you have to wear a sweater. And if any of you ran out of duct tape since the last code orange here's ( ) a web site where you can stock up again. And they have great new colors so you can be, not only patriotic and paranoid, but stylish too. I have to admit, I couldn't find anything for plastic sheeting. Sorry.
So, George, enough already and give the liberal media a big wet kiss. They got your backside and your secret is safe with them. And to the rest of you.
Merry, Damn Christmas..Bush style!
P.S. - Oh and by the way. If anything does go down over the holidays, let's try to remember that Bush has spent much, much more invading and rebuilding Iraq than he has protecting America. Just ask Captain Crayola.
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