EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is proud to host the online version of the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily
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Capital in crisis as coffee-shortage kicks in
“Coffee-less days” proposed as Clark opens up national Caffeine Reserves
Wellington is a city twitching irritably in the throes of a crisis today as regional coffee-levels slumped to their
lowest point since the pre-café days of the 1970’s. Throughout the city centre urban Wellingtonians slumped in doorways,
scratching at their lips until blood stained the teeth and harassed passers-by with their aggressive demands for
caffeine. Within parliament grounds, emergency teams of civil servants dole out minimal rations of government-grade
coffee – an emergency measure seemingly doing more harm than good, as regular caffeine-users angrily fling aside the
styrofoam cups in disgust at the poor quality of the tepid brew: “It’s just like Muldoonism all over again!” snaps one
addict.
Optimus Prime Helen Clark, under immense pressure to address a situation verging on chaos, has taken the drastic step
of opening up the nation’s Strategic Caffeine Reserves. However, while the reserves have enough pure caffeine to satisfy
national demand for 21 days, fears that a deteriorating global situation may see no coffee imported into New Zeal for up
to 3 months has led to a hastily constructed “Public De-Caffeinisation Campaign”. The promos, which will be featuring on
all tv channels, encourage coffee-addicts to consider alternatives such as Milo, Dandelion Tea, and straight Bourbon as
replacements. Another recommendation under consideration is the introduction of ‘coffee-less day’ rationing, whereby all
regular consumers will be legally required to abstain from caffeine use for 2 or 3 days during the week. Sources say
Clark is reluctant to introduce such unpopular measures, however, until all other avenues have been examined.
Responsibility for the severe shortages has been put squarely on the shoulders of Osama Bean Latte and his Decaf-Jihad
terrorist network. Governmental so-called “intelligence” sources say that over 95% of the caffeine-based consignments
due for New Zeal in the month of February failed to arrive due to concerted and simultaneous attacks on caffeine
supply-routes across the globe. In addition, the shrill demand for coffee from global consumers has led to some
emergency consignments being ‘diverted’ to other nations; rapidly escalating coffee prices in conjunction with
diminishing caffeine reserves has been the result.
As withdrawal has kicked in, many cafes have closed their doors for fear of ‘caff-attacks’ similar to the vicious
assault on Courtenay Place cafe Backdoor Beauty that occurred last night. Staff there were gagged and bound as addicts ransacked the premises in search of loose beans.
Chaos ensured when several were located behind a drinks-cooler and the addicts turned upon one another in a desperate
battle for ownership that saw one person killed and a further three hospitalised. On Lambton Quay, some cafes have set
armed guards outside their doors, while all across the city signs saying “No coffee to be found on these premises” hang
in windows.
However, café owners are also worried about the long-term effects a prolonged coffee-shortage may have on future
business. Café Le Wank proprietor Barryman Saunters fears that unless normal business is resumed, coffee-consumers may manage to break free of
their addictions, leading to a drop in café revenue and the eventual closing of many cafes.
“For Wellington, that would be a disaster” he says. “No cafes means no more ‘We have the highest percentage of cafes in
the world’ type of self-mythologising. It will rip the guts out of Wellington’s sophisticated image of itself. I mean -
where will all the ‘between-jobs’ actors find work for starters? We’ll become the Levin of the South pacific, just like
Hamilton, only windier…”
**** ENDS ****
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