Rarely is the question asked, are our brains learning? How is it that after so much effort, so many individuals find
themselves unable to commit to an informed, static position?
A sadistically released report today concluded that everything, everywhere now has an explanation. Thanks to the
wonders of media opinion it is now possible for a single individual to have the whole sum total of existence described
to them.
There is a reason for everything, and there is a plan for every circumstance, the creation of a better reality has been
accomplished. Nothing will be left unexplained, all has been arranged for our comfort.
Now is not the time to stand up and be counted, it is the time to sit down and get comfortable. No more must we
over-extend our capacities, never again must we suffer the anxiety of belief. Just listen to the soothing sound of
sanity- relax, unwind, and let your thoughts drift. Let us join together for the Waiau Fandango.
Remember there is no shame in being ordinary- you have nothing to hide- without the blank darkness of ordinary lives,
we would lose the sparkling stars.
Extreme New Zealand
Following the success of extremist candidates in Europe, Waiau Fandango investigates extreme New Zealand.
After many months of searching the suburban wilderness we managed to make contact with shadowy figures from an
organization whose existence has long been the preserve of myth and legend - the United Future party of New Zealand.
Through our extensive contacts in the Neighborhood watch, we were able to interview a man who would only identify
himself as John Campell.
Waiau Fandango: Mr Campell, could you explain your doctrine of "Radical Moderation"?
John Campell: For Goodness sake!, I really wonder sometimes!, all we saying is that everyone must agree that they are
right, and we will agree with them.
W.F: Why?
J.C: Because, by golly, our ideals demand it- we will agree with everybody- nothing less than total compromise!
W.F: Is that strictly necessary?
J.C: I'm warning you!, if you can't understand, I will have to explain it to you again! We are totally devoted to
reason, and we will fight until we find a reason to stop. There is only duty, compromise and cheerfulness. We have total
discipline in moderation.
W.F After "The Tryanny of Opinion", how do you see New Zealand developing under the bland dictatorship of Peter Dunne?
J.C: Then we will begin the great fence building, so that all may sit on the moral high ground! (Here the interview
ended when Mr Campell got a bit too excited and had to go and have a lie down)
National means Business
Getting tough on crime, Leader of the Opposition Bill English explained , means that all those convicted of serious
crimes such as assaulting the elderly, should have this tattooed on their foreheads, so that everyone will know how
sorry Gerry Brownlee is.
France
French Nationalists are claiming victory in last week’s elections- "President Chirac won only with the support of
Blacks, Jews, Socialists, Homosexuals, Women, and the mentally unstable. The destiny of France cannot be held to ransom
by these minorities! Our candidate, Le Pen won 95% of the votes cast by people who actually deserve the right to
represent France, so you see we have actually won."
Debt Relief
Under pressure to provide debt relief to developing nations, Mike Moore- international man of mystery, has announced
that for every dollar spent on debt payment, 1 air point will be awarded.
Tropical Olympics
Following allegations that the Winter-Olympics are discriminatory, a committee has been convened to organize the first
ever tropical Olympics. Unfortunately the meeting had to be cancelled when no-one remembered to arrive on the same day.
Apocalypse Part two
Following the decline of the global optimism market, Many farmers have shifted mental resources into pessimistic thought
production, taking advantage of increasing returns per thought expended.
Federated Farmers released an advice leaflet covering how farmers can prepare for the end of the world. Here is part
two of a Waiau Fandango exclusive.
"Farmers would be well-advised to plan ahead and make sure they are pleasing to the sight of God, in return they will
receive the lords ear-tag, and when the great drafting of humanity begins, they will be released back unto the pastures
of the lord. Lo, those others who have footrot of the soul, infertility of the spirit, or fly-strike in their faith,
will be loaded aboard the transporter of the apocalypse."
" Those who fail to take proper preparations can expect a torrid time. Expect to have water resources contaminated with
wormwood. Wormwood commodities will plummet in value, causing total destruction of the wormwood industry, estimated to
be worthless internationally. Studies have concluded that it may be possible to water stock with a wormwood by-product,
Absinthe. The results of these studies have shown increased fertility rates, but correspondingly increased rate of manic
depression. Under such conditions stock become unpleasant and difficult to live with."
" After wormwood contamination, the next expected development is a massive daylight saving increase that will reduce by
a third the time allocation given to farmers by the authorities. A third of the day and a third of the night will be
deduced, meaning that the whole of New Zealand will suffer under conditions remisant of Waiouru- that twilight town on
the edge of reason.
" We can now confirm that the pest invasion following the time reduction will consist of what appear to be giant flying
poisonous ferrets, rather than the usual small green aphids that normally arrive at this time of year. Woe upon those
who have not the ear-tag of the lord, as these terrible beasts lie in wait every morning, to torture the unwary farmer
trying to get some tractor work done. It may well prove impossible to plan for a normal growing season under such
conditions."
"It will be a great temptation to many, under such stress, to call it a day, and get some rest. But while mortgage
repayments still have to be made, and euthanasia still considered a crime, producers will simply have to make the best
out of a bad situation."