INDEPENDENT NEWS

Scoop Satire: Mudcoch to buy Taihape

Published: Tue 11 Sep 2001 08:42 AM
EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.
Mudcoch to buy Taihape
Towncorp, the new subdivision company of Robert Mudcoch's Noosecorp, has announced it will be buying the town of Taihape.
Details of the sale were released in a joint statement by Towncorp and New Zeal Inc. government officials earlier today. Taihape was one of 23 towns graded C2 in a confidential government assessment recommending their sale on the grounds of 'economic inviability'. The other C2 towns, as yet unnamed, are still open to tender.
The Minister of Selling the Family Silver said the sale set an 'exciting precedent' that will bring in much-needed revenue while sending a clear message to potential investors and small-town residents alike.
'One - that this government remains committed to a balanced process of reform, provided those reforms will benefit ordinary New Zealers. And two - that the people of New Zeal Inc will no longer tolerate rural freeloading at the expense of the urban sector.'
The final sale-price had yet to be released although unofficial sources estimate it to be around $75 million.
Towncorp representatives remained tight-lipped about what they plan to do with Taihape. 'At this point we are carefully reviewing all alternatives and will be informing the people of Taihape in due course' one said. Another hoped that the population would not be too hasty in relocating, saying that 'good caterers and cleaners can be very hard to find nowadays.'
One suggestion that has been unofficially floated was for the town to be turned into a large prison specialising in providing for the needs of an international, upmarket, criminal clientele.
The press conference was briefly disrupted when a Lonesome Drifter stepped out of the shadows. 'This is wrong.' he said. 'Those are good people in that town - not cattle to be bought and sold for your profit. You haven't heard the last of this.' he concluded before stomping on his cigar, knocking 2 security guards unconscious, and riding out of the room on his Harley.
- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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