INDEPENDENT NEWS

Scoop Satire: Awatere Walls Drip Blood

Published: Tue 21 Aug 2001 08:38 AM
EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.
Awatere Walls Drip Blood
The interisland ferry Awatere experienced yet another unexplainable happening yesterday when thick, rancid blood began dripping from the walls in the forward passenger lounge during an afternoon sailing.
"It began as just a trickle at the wallboard joints" said passenger Harigan Bossonova, 24. "Then it got heavier and started to come up out of the floor join as well. Next thing, there's blood literally pumping out of the walls."
"It was horrific" reported Mary Throat, 71. "And the stench, my God - It was rancid!"
The latest incident is comes after a series of similarly bizzare occurrences aboard the Awatere. After a series of random total power shutdowns and a falling lifeboat, the Awatere has had both of it's propellers drop off (twice), been struck by lightening repeatedly, floated into harbour embedded inside a gigantic block of ice, and, most controversially, disappeared off radar screens for three weeks after allegedly being comandeered by Satan, the demon king, before being found beached along the Yauca river in Peru with no sign of the passengers or crew.
Interisland officials were quick to play down the latest incident, despite increasing pressure from maritime authorities to remove the ferry from service so that a total overhaul and exorcism can be carried out.
"It's true we've had teething problems" said company spokeshuman Roger Knuckle, "However, we feel it would be irresponsible, at this busy stage of the year, to inconvenience so many people who have booked in advance by the withdrawl of what is a highly modern seagoing vessel with state of the art safety features. For instance, when the entire bridgecrew were found found spiked to the floor with ancient whaling harpoons through their heads, the ship's auto-navigational facilities came into immediate effect allowing the vessel to dock safely. It was, admittedly, a port in Madagascar, and some of the passengers had begun eating the others, but those that hadn't been eaten were quite safe."
- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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