American Reply to the Revocation of Independence

Published: Wed 22 Nov 2000 11:22 AM
The American Reply to the British Revocation of Independence
Thank you for letting know about the revocation of our national governance license. We welcome her majesty's concern for our welfare.
We have maintained close interest in the Queen's family. Their exploits are chronicled in the supermarket tabloids. The National Enquirer probably supports them with funds equal to the privy purse. The royals are much more entertaining than the Clintons. And, Fergie, of course continues in that most public position, spokesperson for Weight Watchers.
We do welcome the close attention of this old and distinguished family. Perhaps in the new administration, Prince Philip could run for office in the Pat Buchanan camp, although Pat is a bit to the left of Phil in his ideology. His younger children, the princes, might become icons for the Young Republicans. On the other hand, Charles (or Chuck as he would be known) could be a supporter of the Green Party. Eccentricity is a virtue among Ralph Nader's constituency.
In reply to the clauses in the proclamation:
1. Where pray, would we find a copy the Oxford English Dictionary? Please be assured that Webster's covers all bases (a baseball term, for your information), including the quaint pronunciation and spelling that are still used, we understand, in the British Isles. The filler words provide us with opportunities to dominate conversations without providing any communication of real substance. Again, we bring to your attention that we (at last count - voting is on our minds these days) had more toys and are more boisterous than anyone else.
2. We know that there is no U.S. English. We have English influence languages spoken and sometimes written, throughout the country such as Irish American, or South Side of Chicago lingo. The few people who aspire to learning U.S. English are located in centers of higher education where it is taught to diplomats as means of communicating with the international community. Otherwise, few people attempt to learn the rules of syntax and grammatical structure. We learn to communicate by pointing, hitting, shooting and otherwise physically contacting each other. This is a much more efficient and effective means of getting one's message out.
3. We can distinguish Australian accents. We have listened to, and sometimes even understand, Mel Gibson, Crocodile Dundee (is he the Australian Ambassador to the UN?) and similar important folks. Most Americans, even as future colonists, do not subscribe to the view of a local journalist that Australians are simply British with a bad accent.
4. There are English actors in Hollywood?
5. We like the tune of God Save the Queen. We already purloined it as 'My Country 'Tis of Thee'. Queen does tend to have a different meaning here, and such a title could run into opposition in the Mid- West. They are wonderful folk out there but do tend to take meanings of words literally.
6. Be careful what you wish for. While American football has made only a few inroads into other countries (there are competitions in the UK and Australia), we are becoming a soccer obsessed country. Before very long, the World Cup could be sitting on a shelf in New York along with Christopher Robin's original toys. As for Rugby, we already play it with vigor and with the same civil behavior (note spelling) that is exhibited in English Rugby clubs. Years ago, one of our teams, the Golden Bears from the University of California, went to Australia on tour and beat the merde out of the Aussies.
7. We tried to conquer Canada years ago and had an unofficial war with France. Nothing new. The ungrateful idiots did not want to join the greatest nation on earth. Their loss.
8. We will adopt November 8 happily along with the July 4th. We have so few public holidays that we want all we can get, unlike the British and Australians who seem to have many of them for all sorts of obscure reasons.
9. We like German cars. They are a sign of wealth and good taste. But they are not macho. How could you possibly compare a sleek Mercedes-Benz sports car with a four wheel drive boxy-shaped monster of an SUV that could, if the driver wished, smash through the under- growth of forests of Montana? Bulk means Power. This is a cultural difference that would take far too long to explain.
10. We don't know and if we did, we could not agree because the answer would be the product of a conspiracy.
By the way, who is Tony Blair? If he is not an electoral official in Palm Beach County, Florida, who cares?
The percentage of American who know about the outside world is far less than 2.15%. There are only about 50 of us. Clinton does, Gore maybe, and Bush thinks Washington D.C. is a foreign nation.
In conclusion, if Queen Elizabeth wants to rule this land she has to do it the American way. She will have to have a lot of dubious friends, kiss babies, find and spend sums of money equal to the GNP of Sweden, and be ready to go to court over the slightest issue. She would have to become Liz Windsor and work her way through the Primaries and then onto the Convention before she can run against a similarly exhausted candidate from the other party. If she is interested, she should call Hillary Rodham Clinton. Maybe they could change jobs for awhile as developmental opportunities.
Looking forward to the new Administration.
Your American Cousins

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